Hoosier Nurse

New home, new job, new life

2008-06-20T06:30:00.001-07:00

We're Texans again. I've been walking on a cloud for three weeks. The house is ok, but it's a rental so we aren't too invested in it. It's large enough (maybe a little too large) for two people and is only a few years old so it is in good shape. All the furniture is in it's place and we finally feel like we live here. I still don't understand how we could have increased the size of our home by 500 sq/ft and still have a garage full of stuff. We'll be here for a year until the lease is over and then buy our (hopefully) last house. I have been promised this is the last move we'll make.

On the job front, I was offered the job I wanted about 18 hours after we pulled into Texas. It's still oncology which I love, but it starts on nights which I don't. The reason I chose this over other hospitals is the actual hospital is an easy drive, it's a good hospital, and I'm first in line for the next available day shift. Even though I could have taken a job elsewhere that started on a day shift, I would rather wait a few months in a facility I want to be at than be unhappy on days someplace else. The happiest new was that this floor does not take "dirty" patients (MRSA, VRE). Since the hospital I've been at had the only isolation room, we took them all and that meant if you had one, you got them all since I couldn't care for the immunosuppressed after caring for someone with a communicable infection. I start orientation on Monday, and I'll be on days for a month or so until I get the procedures at this hospital down, then back to nights. This hospital is on paper charting which I've never done, but are in the process of converting to computer charting so I'll have to learn both systems within a couple of weeks. After a three week vacation (pretty piss poor vacation that it's been with moving), I'm ready to get back to work.

Going Home

2008-05-26T14:04:00.001-07:00

I don't think I've blogged for months. It may be that no one checks it any longer. I haven't looked or done anything much because we have been so busy moving. Yes, we are going home. Fort Worth in a week. I've also got a new email address that I'll get to changing here pronto. I'm so scared. I'm going to a new job, a house that I've never seen before in my life, and moving a million miles away from my son. On the other hand, this is home. We have our best friends, our godchildren, and will be much closer to our families. I'm holding my breath!

chugging along

2008-03-16T15:06:00.000-07:00

I haven't been posting much because I'd put everybody to sleep. I haven't got a single interesting thought to share. I've been sick as a dog and dragging my sick, tired ass to work. The Ft. Worth train is still plugging along, and though we don't have official confirmation yet, it's pretty certain we're going. I'm too tired and feel too crappy to care. The only prayer I have right now is since I'm working my last of three straight nights tonight, PLEASE GOD, if you love me, don't let me get a shitter tonight. Five drug seekers on pain pumps sounds pretty good to me. No muss, no fuss, just push the button every 15m to half hour and go back to sleep. Won't happen, but a girl needs a dream.

Ease on down the road............

2008-02-29T09:58:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty certain that my husband will be offered a job in Ft. Worth sometime in the coming week. FW is home to us, and we are very, very excited. I'm not going to assume everything, because there are conditions. Since it would be a lateral move, there is a good chance we'll have to pay for the move. We're going to ask for them to pay for it, but the chances are pretty slim. Though we do have some money in savings, moving expenses will be in the thousands of dollars, so there is no way we can buy a house as soon as we get there. We'll have to have staff housing in the short term. I'll have to find a job and get my license in TX. We are not a compact state, so it will take a bit. Though I'm exhausted, I love my job here and will be crushed to have to quit. Renting off the reservation is pretty much out of the question since I have six cats and three dogs. Even though all go to the bathroom in the appropriate places, it's hard to convince a landlord that their house will not be a wreck with this many pets. I've got tired head just thinking about everything, but we will go in a minute as long as there is a place to rest our heads at night. When I think about being in a place where we have decades long friends, godchildren, our long time church, TARGET STORES, Dillards, and Taco Bueno, my heart starts beating a little faster. We'll be 10 hours closer to the in-laws and five hours closer to my family. I need to get a grip, because without a staff house available, we are not going to go. It's really hard to be this close to my dream of going home and accepting that something may go wrong. This will also put me about six hours further from my son than I am now, so no quick trips to Nashville. I'm praying that the right thing happens, and will just go with what is best for my family. Hub is excited too, but he also likes it here, so if things aren't right, we'll just take the savings and buy a house here and settle in for the long haul. There is going to be a lot of anxiety in Casa Hoosier for the next couple of weeks.

A full house

2008-02-14T08:14:00.000-08:00

The hospital I am working at is full. Bursting at the seams. Not an empty room. I don't know what's going on around here. Is everyone like this? We never have an open room. I could work overtime every night if I wanted to. We are so packed that even though I work on an oncology floor, half of our beds are taken with medical patients because there is no place else to put them. The hospital has set up an over flow area by taking over office space and converting the rooms to beds. Even so, patients will sit in the ER for hours waiting for someone to leave so that they can have a bed. We have patients who desperately need a monitored bed who are sitting on our floor being monitored from two floors below because they don't have room. We have chemo patients all over the hospital due to lack of room and we are having to run from floor to floor to infuse since those nurses are not trained to give it to them. We also have to run around to other floors to access ports since a lot of nurses aren't well trained on that either, and we deal with it all of the time. We all have five patients all the time. That may not seem like a lot to others, but these people are really sick and require a ton of care, and five is a lot. We run for twelve hours with barely enough time to shove some food in our mouths. A float said she didn't like working on our floor because it's too hard. There is another hospital in this town with half of their beds empty because the doctors and the hospital are having a problem with each other, so they'll no longer refer there. We are building floors that will double our size, but it won't be done for another year. The pace is killing everyone. I don't mind the medical patients so much, but the more experienced nurses do since they really only like the cancer/chemo patients, and they resent having to care for all of these medical problems. They didn't sign on for this and don't like it. I'm tired......

Living with multiple pets, a public service message

2008-02-10T10:43:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of talking about all things nursing. I think I'll talk about pets. Specifically, how to keep your home reasonably clean with multiple pets in it. I have six cats and three dogs who all live indoors (obviously, the dogs go outside several times a day to do dog things). How does one keep a decently clean house? First and MOST IMPORTANT, clean-clean-clean litter boxes. I have four boxes and six cats. In order to not throw up due to smells (and we've all been in "cat" houses that made us want to run in horror), daily cleaning is a must. A dust buster upstairs and down keeps the litter from getting spread all over the house. I also have large rugs under each box to catch excess litter. Good premium quality food is a life saver insofar as smells are concerned. We feel our cats Eukanuba and their poop doesn't stink nearly as bad as cats who eat cheap food. It's totally worth the money. The dogs get Nutro Natural Herring. Small compact poop that we can pick up easily. We keep a diaper pail with a tight lid and pooper scooper in the back yard and treat our yard just like we do at the dog park. No dog likes to go to the bathroom in a yard that is covered in poop, so we clean it up as it comes out. We invest in high quality cat litter, use covered boxes, and clean each one every day. Next, a good quality vacuum. I have a Dyson pet hair vacuum. I use it every day. I have hardwood floors throughout the house, but have large room size rugs and they are hair magnets. One rug will fill the chamber with pet hair every single day. All of my dogs are double coated and they shed a lot. With kitties, it's a few hairs here and there and that collects at the baseboards. I run a broom around all of the baseboards throughout the house every day. I have faux sheepskin that goes over all the cushions of the upholstered furniture. The best pet hair remover for furniture is a good quality pet brush. It's got to be very thickly bristled, and if you'll run that over the furniture, it picks up massive amounts of hair. It makes sense since it's designed to brush excess hair off of the pets. My dogs also go to a professional groomer once a month. She can really thin out the undercoat and they never smell stinky. This sounds like a lot, but if you do it every day, it only takes about 15 minutes. We made a commitment to take care of these animals and I don't want to resent them for making my house a mess, nor do I want to wear hair on my clothes (those tape rollers are all over the house for the errant hair) or find dog hair in my food. If you have pets, I hope some of this helps. If not, you should. There is nothing like it, and unlike your children, they love you all of the time and don't talk back. I love my babies!

The living dead

2008-02-03T13:30:00.000-08:00

Yep...my new name is zombie girl. Nights are killing me. I am having a really hard time sleeping enough during the day. I go to sleep quickly, but after 4-5 hours, I'm awake and can't go back to sleep. The curtains in my bedroom are not keeping the room dark enough and we have a ton of windows in there. I'm going to try a sleep mask and if that irritates me, I'll break down and buy new curtains even though I love the ones I have now. I don't feel tired at work since it's go, go, go but when I get home, I feel like I'm dragging my ass all over the place.

That said, I really love my job. I love the patients (some WAY more than others) and I feel lucky to be able to do it. One of the other nurses was saying that she always tells people to think twice before going to nursing school, and I told her she was doing something important and not everyone can do it and that she is a great nurse and if I were as good as she is, I'd be proud of myself every day. I've found that even the complainers are excellent nurses, and their patients get incredible care. I work with a group of very smart women. I guess a few years down the road, they forget how talented they really are. They've been really nice to me though, and I feel like I'm included in the group. That makes work great.

We're off to the Super Bowl party a friend is having. I'll be the only one supporting New England. I hope I don't get lynched when the Pats KICK THEIR ASS!!!!!!

When do I feel like a "real nurse"?

2008-01-28T16:31:00.000-08:00

I feel like a fraud in scrubs. The things I don't know are legion. It's really tough, even though everyone I work with is very willing to teach, when everyone knows how to recognize the significant things. I just don't see the telling signs that the experienced nurses do. I need to seriously learn the significance of all the labs besides the obvious things. The can look at a slight change in the patient and start looking at a thousand things that may be causing it. I've been so blown away by how good they are, and I feel like I'll never be that good.

I saw my first patient die yesterday. I was always afraid of that, and in fact, the only dead person I've ever seen was my grandmother and she was already in the casket. Now I know that most of the time, the last breath is a relief. In the four weeks I've been on the floor, we've lost six patients. Though I didn't see any of them die until yesterday, I wanted all of them to. It was a blessing. Cancer sucks.

Hoosier REGISTERED Nurse!!!!!!!!!!

2008-01-04T06:00:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how a random series of numbers/letters can change everything. The boulder on my back is gone. I desperately wanted to share this with my husband and of course, he is not in town. Poor guy was wakened at an unacceptably early hour, but he understood and I could hear the smile when I didn't even say hello, just "I passed." Right this very second, life could not be better!

Boards blow.....

2008-01-03T13:57:00.000-08:00

I did it. I took my boards today. May I add that I didn't definitively know the answer to more than five questions on the whole damn test? I would get through one "check all that apply" to be greeted with "first priority". Then would come "what would indicate immediate attention to patient who had XYZ" and all of the possible answers were things I didn't have a clue about. Because of Big Brother, and the agreement that I won't share a single horrible question of that test, this is as specific as I intend to get, but know that I guessed my way through the whole thing. I had a ton of med questions (of which at least two were check all that apply) and I suck more at that than anything. Those bullshit study guides didn't help me one bit. The thousands of practice questions I did didn't help me one bit. When I was getting to 60-65 questions, I was praying that I was one of the people who would have to answer everything so that I would at least have the advantage of volume. When that computer shut off at 75 questions, I was numb. If feeling confident in my ability to critically think my way through that is an indicator of whether I passed or not, I'd be seriously leaning toward failure. $250.00 down the drain is all that is running through my head right now along with the dread that I may very well have to go through that again. Shit.

Whirlwind!!!!

2008-01-01T06:36:00.000-08:00

I've been on my floor orientation for a week. Some days I've just followed, some I've taken a patient or two, just whatever the preceptor wanted. Since I'm not an RN, I can't do IV pushes or hang chemo yet, but everyone has been so good about running in and saying, "I've got a patient about to -fill in the blank- so do you want to watch/do it?" Thanks to them, because yesterday (my first full 12 hour shift), we had a very full house. Every bed occupied with one poor man in the hallway for two and a half hours while we scrambled to discharge someone to find him a spot. One nurse called in and there were no floats available. An hour and a half into the shift, my preceptors child got sick and she had to leave PDQ. The charge nurse asked what I wanted to do since there were now four patients who needed a nurse and everyone else had four or five. I gulped and said, "What the heck, I'll take them all." I did it. All the meds got passed, charting got done and on time to boot, beds and baths done, and one got discharged with all paper work done and one got transferred with all reports and charts with her. I have never been so tired in my life. I have never had so much fun in my life. I love these patients and the nurses who work on this floor. Despite any awful things they say amongst themselves, when they are in the rooms or within earshot of patients or families, they are pros of the highest order. You have never seen such a caring group of women. I am so lucky.

Full Panic Mode

2007-12-31T03:04:00.000-08:00

The test that will complete this journey is scheduled to be taken on Thursday. This weekend I pulled out the review book just to brush up on things I haven't seen in a while. The list of stuff I don't know is a mile long, and it is unreasonable that I'll learn them in the next three days. I did a practice test and instead of the usual 70-75% right, I scored a 60. I'm going to be in deep shit. Bummer.

I hope this isn't a sign...

2007-12-25T05:23:00.001-08:00

Is it a bad sign that the first patient I cared for as a nurse died 12 hours later, especially since I said a quiet prayer that she would? Cancer is a mean, hard, cold, heartless bitch. Godspeed.

Authorization to Test

2007-12-22T13:52:00.000-08:00

Got that today. Went online and scheduled my test date for January 3 @ 10:15am. Now I'm pretty nervous. I should do OK. Gotta keep my confidence up! I'm through with hospital orientation and will start my floor orientation tomorrow. I'll be working 8hr days for the first week, and then go to 12 hour days after that. After a while, they'll put me on nights which is what I was hired to work. I'm cool with nights, but I hope I get used to it pretty quick. I get tired by 10:00, so this is going to be a real adjustment.

I get so amazed by the various jobs all of the people I've been blogging with all this time have decided on. We're doing PICU, school nursing, telemetry, ICU, Peds, ER, Med Surg, and of course, oncology. I felt funny yesterday, because the NCM from L&D came down yesterday, and she asked what I'd be doing. She'd asked me to come see her when I graduated, but I never considered it. I like the sick patients, and though seeing a baby being born is pretty much a miracle, I don't want to care for healthy patients. I want to take care of people who might want to just have someone hold their hand and listen to them when they tell you they're scared. I want the patient to know that when their bodies are racked with nausea from some shitty chemo, I'll keep bringing them bags to throw up in and antiemetics to try to help, plus maybe find a tasty snack to try to keep them nourished. I want to celebrate with them when they find out their screens and scans are clear, and help someone die with some respect and dignity when the scans aren't good, and we're at the end of the line for treatment options. i want their families to know there is someone who they can come to when their parent/spouse/sibling needs something and they don't know how to provide it. In other words, I CAN'T WAIT TO BE A NURSE!!!!!

Who's getting pinned tonight?

2007-11-29T19:32:00.001-08:00

SO VERY TIRED..... I took my last regular test on Wednesday. Only made an 88, but that's ok. I can make a 26 on the final and still pass the class, so I'm not sweating it. We had clinical evals yesterday and I made an A. Pinning is tonight and since I have no family here, only my husband and a couple we hang out with are coming. I don't even care. When they hand me the packet that I can send into the state to schedule my boards is when I'll truly feel like a nurse.

My kid had what is supposed to be a blood clot in his heart near the prosthetic heart valve. He was in the hospital for several days getting massive bolus's of Heparin and clot buster drugs. It dissolved and all is well, but that wasted five days that I could have been getting ready for the final. I don't regret it though since I would have been a basket case if I hadn't gone to Nashville to be with him. He seems better but I still have a lot of uneasy feelings about him both physically and emotionally. I have to learn to let that go since it is out of my control. Easier said than done.

For my morning rant. I went to pinning practice yesterday and was asking everyone where they are going to work. There are some who just haven't started looking since they want to be off for the holidays, but there are lots who just plain haven't been offered a job though they've applied for several positions. We are somewhat unique in this area in that the nursing shortage is not severe here. Sure, there are some less than stellar hospitals in Indianapolis who are trying desperately to get their staffing increased, but for the most part, decent hospitals can be fairly picky about who they hire. You won't see hiring bonuses or be guaranteed that you'll walk into your first choice of jobs or first hospital choice (I was very, very lucky). The actual shortages in the nicer hospitals in Indy is about 3% (we're close enough to Indy to be able to commute) and it is even less here. Nevertheless, there are those who are insistent on applying for positions they don't have very little chance of getting. About the only almost guaranteed jobs are PRN float positions and these deluded students keep applying for jobs they will never get. I think when you've got your heart set on Peds or OB or whatever, and you've interviewed for a couple of jobs at the large children's hospital, and they've never called you back, you may want to rethink your goals and start at a job you can get and then try again later. A friend said she tried to advise one of these women about making a good impression, and the woman totally blew her off and said she was sure all would be good since there is such a big nursing shortage. Since the hospital she wants to work in offered her nothing, maybe she should have listened. Another girl told me yesterday she wants to commute to Indy for weekend options days. I KNOW they have waiting lists for these jobs for both the day and night options (work 24 hours weekends only and get paid full time) from those within the hospital, so there is no way she will be getting one of these jobs straight out of school. I really don't know what is wrong with people. Maybe it's because they've never been out in the "real" working world and fail to understand that sometimes you start below where you want to be to get your foot in the door, then work your way up. There are those who will say that it's easy for me to comment since I got my choice job, and I am not the only one by any means, but I would have been perfectly willing to take a float position until an oncology job opened up at my hospital of choice (I wasn't willing to compromise on where I work). One of my classmates also wants only oncology, and he took a med/surg job until there is an opening. One other wants OB, and she took a float until there is an opening. Yes, it's possible to get what you want, but it's also possible that you won't, so have plan B in place or plan on sitting at home.

Much to be thankful for..........

2007-11-22T05:34:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving!!! There is much to be thankful for this year. My RN program is winding down. Because I'm not continuing the BSN track that I planned, I'll have a six month reprieve from school which excites me beyond all reason. I got the job I wanted. My son is semi OK, my husband is great, and all my babies (kitties and doggies) are the best. I just got a letter three weeks before the end of the semester that I received a $2000.00 scholarship I applied for. I'm doing very, very well in school. Unless ATI is a big fat liar, I'm ready to pass the boards. All in all, a pretty good year. Now if my car will carry me to work and school for one more year, things will be pretty perfect.

I'm pretty sure this is where we are going to stay. I always thought this was just a way stop until I graduated and we could get back to Texas, but we've grown to like it here. I love the hospital here, and my husband likes there being four real seasons (a bit too cold and humid for me). I'm within a very reasonable drive from my son. The bad is that our parents aren't getting any younger and we are a considerable distance from them (especially the in-laws). That means we also don't get to see our nieces and nephews as often as we'd like, nor our best friends and god-children in Texas, but that is the price we have to pay. It is just as affordable here as it is in Fort Worth. You can live in a perfectly nice house here for under $150,000 and a really nice one if you're willing to spend a little more. All in all, the benefits outweigh the negatives, so I think the decision is made. Now...if a great job happened to open up in Texas that my husband is drooling for, all bets are off, but he's already turned down the chance to go back for a lateral move. Yep, I think this is our home town now.

Everyone have a great holiday and take a nap after dinner!

Missy has a JOB!!!

2007-11-09T07:17:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged or talked to anyone about it because I didn't want to jinx it, but I was offered my 1st choice position today!!! It's funny that when I started this whole nursing thing, I thought I'll go in the ER and live on the adrenalin. As my nursing education has progressed, I have become more attracted to the patient and less to the "fly by the seat of my pants" need for thrills. I love the patients and their families. I love taking care of the same patients for several days and seeing their faces when I show up in the morning because they know I remember what they like and don't like. When their husbands, wives, children welcome me or are so stressed out and just need a little hand holding or someone to listen to them. That being said, I'd already decided that a medical floor would be for me. When applying at the hospital I want to work in, the HR person was going through openings. Surgery? No, the patients are asleep all of the time. ER? No, they're in and out. ICU? That is a real possibility and I would not be upset about that. Oncology? My eyes lit up and I beamed. I said, "Oh...I would LOVE that!" It has everything I wanted in my nursing career. They never have any openings because the manager is so great and no one ever leaves. They hadn't even posted it yet, but I knew a student in my class who has been an LPN on the oncology floor of another hospital for several years had already applied for a job and had an interview set up for next week, so I wasn't counting on it, but still wanted it. I interviewed this morning, and I just got a call that the manager loved me and was offering me the job! I'm so excited!! I'll have my last final on the 12th and start the next week. I know I'll be sad a lot of times, but I'll be able to comfort those most affected. I'll also be thrilled when things are working out, and be able to celebrate with the patient and those they love. Best of all, I'll know I had a hand in it. I know that some day I'll be strolling through Kroger, and I'll see someone healthy and vital and know that I was part of that. I'll also see a family member and know that I had a part in ensuring their loved one died on their terms and with dignity. This day is the best!

The Search Begins!

2007-11-02T12:05:00.001-07:00

I did it. I applied for my first job. Actually, for now, it's the only application I'll be submitting since I have my heart set on a specific hospital. The pay is pretty good for a small town, and I'm not willing to drive 75 miles one-way for a couple of dollars more an hour. The benefits are really good, and the patient to nurse ratio is doable. I hope they jump at me, because I'm one of the very few who doesn't care what days, or what hours. Heck, I don't even care what floor. That's why I applied for a float position. That way I won't get stuck somewhere and find out down the line that I made a mistake. It will also give me time to become a competent nurse with a lot of experience doing a lot of different things. I'm so excited. It really feels real now.

As for school, all is well. I have done well on all tests so far and only have three more to take. I only have a care plan and nutrition paper to do and all the assignments will be completed. I'm doing a lot of practice questions for the boards, and am FINALLY seeing a light at the end of the tunnel for this RN journey. The only fly in the ointment, is that I'm leaving the BSN program I'm scheduled to begin in January, and transferring to a different school. It doesn't affect my eligibility to sit for the boards. This will delay things about 6 months, but is a lot more organized than the one I'm currently in. I've seen one too many people think they've gotten everything done for graduation (because their advisor's told them so), and then come back with, "oops!, my bad, you have to take one more class." I also can get out of statistics and a foreign language this way. I'm good with that!

I hope my next post says I'm an EMPLOYED nurse!!!!!!

My motivation is slip-slidin' away

2007-10-04T16:40:00.000-07:00

School is a big, fat booger. Seriously. I made a 90% for my final clinical grade in Psych. I've NEVER made a B in clinicals before...EVER!!! Theory, yes...clinical, no. The rationale is that no one is perfect, so an outstanding is unattainable. WTF?? How could I not even get a 10 on attendance since I was never late and never missed a day? Huh??? I really like the clinical instructor, and I know she means well, but whatever.

On to Med Surg. I'm glad to be back and I definitely am glad to be back on a regular hospital floor. The recruitment is in full force, so everyone except for some of the bitch nurses on the floor are super nice. People who aren't interested in what they are doing need to find another job. That's ok when you're the stocker at WalMart, but totally unacceptable when you are a nurse. There is nothing that pisses me off more than to answer a call light and a patient (HELLO..can anyone say customer) has a problem and when I report it to their nurse, just get the eye roll. Really pisses me off... bad...really bad. Please don't ever let me get like that. I know some patients are bigger pains than others, but I hope I never get to the point when I won't listen to them just because they aren't my favorite. Most of the time, they probably are just whiny, but what if it's that one in a thousand time that someone is crashing and the nurse just does the eye roll and says she'll get to it and then continues to sit on her ass. Like they're an imposition. Please...

Also, since I am a shameless celebrity whore, what is up with that nutball, Britney Spears? Can anyone say, "All wheels off!" Do you think she is an addict, self absorbed, or crazy? I just can't stop reading about the train wreck of her life. Holy shit!

Anyway, all is well at school, even if I meant it about the big, fat booger. Classes are going fine and I only have 69 days left. For those wondering, the boy is still clean but is flaking out around the edges a little bit. He left the sober living house and has been searching for a job and sleeping in a friends basement. He wondered if the fact that his clothes haven't been washed has anything to do with the not having any luck getting hired thing. He refuses to go back to the house, so I found a place for him to stay this week and gave him enough money to ride the bus and wash clothes until a bed opens up in a different place. He is still at therapy and AA meetings and still in touch with his sponsor most days. Baby steps I guess.

My son with whom I am well pleased

2007-09-20T14:42:00.000-07:00

My son has been so on my mind of late. I read blogs and blogs of perfect children, and a little lump forms in my throat. I'm not AT ALL lacking in happiness in the achievements of these kids, but sometimes, I feel I was a little cheated. Even if no one reads this, my boy gets his day.

I was not prepared to be pregnant. I'd only been married for three months, and knew I'd made a mistake. My new husband who seemed so edgy and exciting as a boyfriend was a drug addict. How could I have not known it? We didn't live together, and frankly, I wasn't above using this or that in those days. I didn't spend the rent money, but hey, I liked a good party. Pregnancy put a damper on those times, and in the sober light of day, I was grossed out by the behavior of the people I'd spent most of my free time with. Well, at the birth of the boy, the husband got the message fast that his lifestyle was coming at the price of his wife and child, and the price was too high for him. He straightened out and never used again the entire length of our marriage. I wish the genes my boy inherited had straightened out too, but that was not to be.

He said he was an addict before he ever drank a drop, or took a drug. He said he couldn't wait until the moment came when someone finally offered him drugs. That happened when he was 14 or 15. He loved the first time, and for a long time, all the times that came after it. As if the constant skipping school and barely getting by wasn't enough, he got smacked in the face with Bipolar at 17. When he was up, he was invincible. When down, he was in hell. We begged, we pleaded, we did "tough love", went through hospitalization, psychiatrists, antidepressants, and nothing changed. He was in jail twice before he even graduated from high school, and again six months after that. He wasn't manic or depressed enough for detention or commitment, but when you mixed it up with plenty of drug, it was enough to not function. When he finally graduated from high school, a year behind his class, they should have put my name on the diploma. He wouldn't work and no punishment made a bit of difference. He could be grounded for a year, and he just sat in his room reading, writing journals of how inspired and depraved and wonderful he was, and listening to music. He told me once that he loved the musicians and writers so much, that the line blurred between loving them and living their lives. At 20, he finally moved out. He lasted 6 months in one town and managed to be arrested again while still on probation. His solution to that was to pack up and move 2000 miles away. That's when he developed a real taste for alcohol. It's as if all the drug use was just practicing for the big finale. Liquor. He loved it all...beer, wine, whiskey, scotch...all of it. Watching him drink was alarming. He was like a thirsty man on a hot day. He would buy a six pack and guzzle it. He could kill a beer in one minute and be on to the next. He was like a man with an allergy, and there was not enough in the world to stop the itch. This era lasted about 8 months, and then on to the next city. There he moved on to his true love. Alcohol and Xanax. This was the combo he had been searching for. His personal heaven. He bounced from job to job, and manipulated me out of so much money, I can't bear to think about it. I moved him from apartment to apartment, because this time would be different. This time he'd get his shit together. This time he would be straight, if I'd just give him $200.00 more...again, and again, and again. The problem is, Xanax isn't always available, but guess what is? Heroin. He loved the whole experience. He said he was as addicted to scoring as the drug. He said he could feel his heart beat faster just looking at a needle. This went on for about a year when he finally got scared. He was about to be homeless, and didn't know how to get out of this one. He called me and we found a program for him to go into. He said he did stop the needles, but he never stopped using. He finally got booted out for drinking, but he was a little more stable and was able to move in with a friend, and he'd kept a job for several months. Of course, the lifestyle was too expensive to pay rent, so he needed somewhere to go. I didn't know that when he called and said he wanted to go back to school and could he move in with us. I, being the deluded enabler that I am, said that would be wonderful. He did enroll and transferred to a restaurant here in town, and all seemed ok. I think he was really trying, and thought if he relocated, he would be able to change. Two months later, he was sick. Reusing needles had caused an infection, and he had a bad, bad case of infective endocarditis. By this time, his aortic valve was destroyed and he has emboli floating all over his body. Luckily, it landed in his spleen and that pain required a trip to the ED. After a valve replacement, three weeks in two different hospitals, and six weeks at home with a PIC line and Vancomycin, he was better. He even finished out the semester with a 4.0 by keeping up at home. I thought I could exhale. Wrong. You get the idea of the next couple of years. He went back to Nashville, and on and on. I kept waiting on "the call" because he was completely non compliant with his coumadin regimen. He got drunk and fell on his face breaking his nose and chipping both of his front teeth. He passed out on the porch and he and his dog spent hours out there. He said he woke to Ti licking him. She never left his side. The icing on the cake was meth. Nothing like a manic guy on meth. Especially a manic guy shooting up meth. This time there was no problem in emergency detention. He was psychotic. He was spewing so much crazy crap. He thought the CIA has kidnapped him and taken him to Langley because of "what he knew". After a couple of weeks, when he was finally semi rational and detoxed, we found another program. He hasn't looked back since. Only forward...

I don't want to make any assumptions. He has been clean for over 75 days. He is a daily attendee of AA and goes to IOP four days a week. He is living in a sober living house with a lot of other additcts. I got the help I need and now no longer give him the benefit of the doubt. I have learned how to say no. It was strained at first, but as he becomes more and more himself, he doesn't really ask anymore. I went to Nashville last weekend for a family seminar, and it was so nice. The boy got permission to go with me, and it was a real treat for him. A nice hotel room, lots of good food in good restaurants, and I even brought his dog whom I'd had to go down and bring home with me when things were at their worst (BTW, even at his worst, when I went to get her, there was no human food...just hundreds of empty and partially empty beer bottles...but there was dog food and treats, and she was healthy and well fed). The best part, was no weirdness and no anger. He was settled and at peace with himself. He was like a little kid. He was just so pleased with everything. When the patients joined the families on the last day, I could tell how proud he was that I was there. It was one of the best weekends I've ever had.

I know this is too long, and such a common tale, but my boy got his day. I'm starting to see the person he was before all of this started. His mom is very proud of him.

I'm Psych'd out!

2007-09-19T07:39:00.000-07:00

Psych is done. All done. No, I didn't care for it. The patients were ok. Not nearly as hard to handle as I thought, but not for me. I have never studied less for a final in my life. So much of this is common sense. I've made a 94 on every test so far, so I could pretty much have not shown up and still done fine in the class. Less than 12 weeks, and I'll be eligible to sit for the NCLEX. My ATI's say that I'll pass and I'm doing the practice tests. I don't know what else I can do. On to Advanced Med/Surg and Nursing Issues. I can't wait until this semester is OVER!!!

On to the future

2007-08-29T19:50:00.000-07:00

Rambling because I'm too tired to do anything else. Made an A on my first test of the semester. Got both homework assignments and the group presentation done today for my classes tomorrow.

I think I've ALMOST decided that John Edwards is the candidate I'll be supporting. He's saying a lot of things I like, and I loved the article that just came out in Vanity Fair (or was it Rolling Stone...I forgot and I'm too tired to look).

Speaking of Rolling Stone, and if you detest Bush as badly as I do, read the article on how badly this administration has let the civilian contractors in Iraq (also known as Republican cronies) rape our financial future. It's a doozy. YES...I am a yellow dog Democrat and proud of it!

Can I remember all of this?

2007-08-28T11:07:00.000-07:00

Ok. Been in school for one week. Taking Advanced Med/Surg and Psych, and nursing issues. Have already had one roll play for MS/Psych. First test in Psych tomorrow (we do it first). Have two homework assignments and another group roll play for issues on Thursday. Have to do three 100 NCLEX question tests with 75%, 8 simulations assignments, two papers, two huge nursing care plans with weekly regular care plans. Another paper on nutrition and one on abuse (APA format of course) and drug cards out the ying/yang. This is on top of 3 eight hour clinicals a week. Plus, when are we supposed to study for boards that I'll be expected to pass after all of this? Oh, I forgot, ATI testing for both Med Surg and Psych and a "pass it or you fail" math test. I hate my life.

From bad to worse.

2007-08-23T06:03:00.000-07:00

I am finding it difficult to find the words when speaking to my sister. As bad as the news was about her husband, it got worse. The cancer in his lungs is metastatic from the kidney. I should say kidneys since they've found cancer on the adrenal gland in his other kidney also. This is a really nasty bastard that doesn't respond to chemo or radiation, so the doctor sort of told my sister he is basically screwed. I just couldn't believe that he said that. I don't think a responsible physician, without even attempting treatment can just dump that on them. She just has the words 80% mortality ringing in her head now. Her husband is actually trying to comfort her! He keeps apologizing. He is having the really bad kidney removed today, and then on to the oncologist. I hope this new doctor is a little more practical and lets them know that until they've seen how he responds to the treatment, it's a little premature to be throwing numbers out there. He has 3 living sibs, and I told her to have them all tested for compatibility, and if someone is appropriate, yank that lobe and both kidneys out and get a good one in there. There is no lymph spread, and as far as they can tell from the CT and PET scan, all the cancer is limited to the organs. Time to fight right now, not bury. Hell, I'll give the guy a kidney. I've got one to spare.

On to school. Jumped in with a vengeance. Aleady have a test next Wednesday and 3 days a week of clinicals. At least I made it to the gym today. There is so much busy work to do this semester, that it boggles my mind, but I always feel this way at the beginning of every semester, and I always make it through. This will be no exception.

If you have a minute, please keep family in your prayers.

Not good at all......

2007-08-15T06:54:00.000-07:00

For BIL, things are going from bad to worse. They've found two dime sized spots on his lungs. PET scan confirms it's cancer, and he's having a biopsy today to find out if it's from the kidney or just what kind it is. He acts like this is all fine and dandy (one of those good old boys stiff upper lip types). His mom has no idea, my sister is crying all of the time, and I can't stop thinking and praying about it. His income is very important to this family, and he has no disability insurance. My sister was horrified at the suggestion he may have to take time off (he drives a truck). I reminded her he can't be treated and be in California at the same time. I felt badly for even saying anything, because they don't need MORE to stress about. Yes, he is a heavy smoker, but that doesn't mean he asked for it. When he started smoking, no one was telling the smokers that they would develop these horrible diseases, and quitting is a hard assed bitch. Been there and done that, and I have to tell you, I tried a million times before I finally did it. Despite knowing what smoking was doing to me and would eventually kill me, I kept buying them. I'd go a few days, and relent and buy some hating myself for being so stupid. I'm going to cut him a little slack.

On the school front, I hate the financial aid people. I really do. I went to check out my status and NOW they are telling me that I will have to appeal to get financial aid. I've taken too many hours to qualify. The program that I am in lets you get your ASN at a community college and then just slip those hours over to the local university to finish up the last 60 there. I've been to college before and have a lot of hours of gen eds done. I've also taken a few here and there in the meantime to shorten the amount of time until graduation and save the tuition of taking these classes at the university which has double the tuition costs. Now they are saying to qualify, I have to have less than 98 credit hours and this semester will put me at 106, so no financial aid. School starts MONDAY!!! I'll probably get it when the appeal is finally done, but don't spring this on me three days before school starts! I went ahead and paid what I had to, but this should have been done months ago when I went to the aid office and sat down with a councilor to make sure everything was in order. If I don't get it, it's going to be tight at Casa Hoosier. If I get the scholarships I applied for, no problem, but they don't tell you for a couple of months (well after the semester starts) if you got them. It seems like it's a battle every semester with problems about financial aid. HSN is in a foul mood.

Keeping an open mind...

2007-08-11T12:28:00.000-07:00

Well, Marisapan and Jenna both say they loved Psych nursing, so I'm going to try to keep an open mind. My ex husband is an RN in a state psychiatric hospital, and he said he sometimes feels guilty for going to school and then not doing any skilled nursing (foleys, ivs, you know...medical stuff) since they do nothing but deal with the psychiatric aspect of their patients. If they have a fever, they go to the medical center across the road. He also works as a weekend supervisor, and maybe if he were working weekdays when the actual therapy is going on, he may feel differently, but since he's a butthead anyway, maybe not. I've always thought it very strange that someone I can't relate to at all and I will share the same career. Takes all kinds I guess.

My vacation was very, very hectic and very fun. I've driven about 3000 miles in two weeks. I got to see everyone. All of my sisters, my mom and step dad, my wonderful adorable nephews and my nephews' partner, my son, my husbands' family and my cute nieces, and our best friends for life and their kids. Their kids are like family, and the two girls stayed at the hotel with us and had a great time. I've spent at least one night in Nashville TN, Little Rock AR, Perryville AR, Oklahoma City OK, El Reno OK, Fort Worth TX, and Tunica MS in the past couple of weeks. We got home yesterday, and picked up the babies from the boarding place and they were ecstatic!! I missed all of my babies. We have a pet sitter for the kitties, but the doggies have to go to the boarding kennel. Poor doggies.

The bad news is that my brother in law has kidney cancer. We don't know how bad it is yet. It's at least stage III since it extends into the adrenal gland, but they didn't see anything else in the follow up CT scans. He'll have a PET scan on Monday to look for stray cells in other places, so if you are the praying kind, please remember him and pray for the scan to be clean. His Dad died in February, and I don't think his Mom will be able to tolerate anything happening to her boy. She still isn't coping will with her husbands death. Needless to say, my sister would be devastated. I've stayed very upbeat reminding them that if it hasn't spread anywhere, he can probably just get the kidney out and that's it, so they seem at peace with that. I suspect they aren't asking that many questions and if that's how they want it, then I have to respect that. I would have 10,000 questions, but not everyone wants to know all the gory details like I would.

School starts in a week, and I am ready freddy! I'll be a "real" nurse in 16 weeks. The year after that will be a breeze compared to the last two, and I'll be earning actual money at the same time. HOORAY!!!!!

Taken' a break!

2007-07-26T15:13:00.000-07:00

Done. This summer from hell is finally DONE!! I made a B in OB and an A in Peds, but since they average, it's going to be a B. Good enough. An A in clinicals still keeps my GPA respectable. It's been study, study, study and then stress, stress, stress. I'll have to go to another day in clincals tomorrow, but just to sign my evaluation. We got our clinical and class assignments for next semester, and with one exception, I like everyone in our group. I'm not looking forward to Psych. Weird (and I completely accept that they are disturbed and ill) people make me uncomfortable, but if I can fake it at the nursing home, I can handle this. Since I have no intention of ever doing psych nursing, it's just a blip. I can finally take a deep breath and enjoy my vacation.

Racing for the finish line

2007-07-19T04:28:00.001-07:00

Summer school is almost over. I take my last regular test in OB today. Had my last regular test in Peds yesterday. I've done all my papers and only have an oral report left for clinicals. I'll end up with a B in theory and an A in clinicals. I'm happy with that. Finals next week, and then free for three weeks. I'm leaving after my last final for a week in Arkansas at the lake house with my family. Then to Nashville to see my son. Then to Oklahoma where I'll pick my husband up at the airport and we'll spend a couple of days with the in-laws and have our dental work done (my FIL is our dentist). Then to Texas to spend a couple of days with our best friends and their kids. Then home with a stop off in Tunica (gambling)/Memphis. That will give me a week to do nothing but lay around the house and do nothing before fall semester. At that point, it will be 16 weeks until my RN program is OVER!!! I will still have 30 hours of nursing theory to do before my "real" graduation, but since we get all of the state mandated class and clinical time up front, I can sit for the NCLEX and be working as a nurse that last year. I can also do the theory classes online, but I don't know if I will since I tend to put things off until the last minute, and really need to be in a classroom to discipline myself. We're going to lose a few people. OB was a hard ass bitch and you have to pass both classes in order to go on. You can't just average a good grade in Peds into the OB part to get the 75% required to go on to Advanced Med/Surg. This is in addition to the 2 people already gone. They can retake these classes once, so all is not lost for them, but thank God that isn't me. I don't know what I would do if I had to retake something. I'm starting to actually let myself get a little bit excited.

It's REALLY early....

2007-07-03T01:18:00.000-07:00

So what am I doing up at 4:19 in the morning? Do you mean what was I doing up at 3:00 in the morning? The paper said there would be fireworks in a local park last night. I knew I had a few things left to do for the care plan (that is worth 25% of my clinical grade), but decided to see fireworks anyway and get up early and finish up (but not THIS early). It was a scam and the fireworks are actually tonight, but we met some friends and ate dinner and went to find out fireworks weren't there. That means I didn't get through eating until about 9:00. I know better than that. I have reflux really badly, and I know not to eat late and then go to bed, but I did it anyway. At 2:45 this morning I was throwing up like crazy. Gross. On the good side, I am doing a bang up job on the care plan since I have so much time before clinical today. I took my ATI tests yesterday. The great part is that I don't have to remediate (take them again at home and score a minimum of 90%). My scores were high enough to avoid that. The test also said that I exceed the minimum standard to pass the NCLEX and that someone with my score would be expected to pass it with 93% certainty. So far I've done well on the ATI every semester, so maybe with only Advanced Med Surg/Psych to go, I may actually be a REGISTERED nurse someday!

Week ended up on a positive note

2007-06-30T08:21:00.000-07:00

Well, for the week of hell, it turned out OK. I think my papers on Preeclampsia and Childhood Obesity were a work of art. Done in APA format, and put in their own lovely folders, I was proud to hand them in. I made an A on both Peds and OB tests, and the oral presentation went smoothly. I knew the answers to all of the post questions, so that is done. The homework got done and the clinicals are finished for the week. I've still got a few things to do for my care plan due on Tuesday, but most of that is done too. I've got to take the ATI tests on Monday, but I'm not worried about that. I'm not doing a damn thing today. We're going to a Texas Hold 'Em party tonight and drinking beer and eating bad food. I already went to the gym and sweated my ass off (still plenty of ass to go around though).

Well, I guess I'm not one more dog or cat away from divorce, because we now have a new dog to hang with the other two. Her name is Ti, and she used to be my son's dog. She is a small terrier mix who is as cute as a button. She has a really bad ear that gets infected a lot. To control it takes a lot of medicine and a lot of care, both at the vet and at home. Son loves her to death, and has had her for two years, but it has come to the point where he can't afford the vet bills and the medicine. He called and though he was crushed, he finally did what was best for her and asked us if we would take her. I asked husband what he thought, and he said to go ahead and get her and bring her home. I got her fixed up at the vet and tidied up at the groomer and she just fits in this house like a glove. The other dogs love her to pieces, and she doesn't bother the cats at all. The sad part is that whenever she has been here, we had Yoda and Sammy. She hasn't been here since they were put to sleep. She ran in the house looking for them, and when she got upstairs, she just stopped and looked at me all confused because she did not know the dogs that were in their crates. She whined for a minute and then went to meet them. It made me cry over my babies again for the first time in months. This has been a pretty good week.

Summer school blows

2007-06-27T14:40:00.000-07:00

This week.....two research papers, two tests, oral presentation for clinicals, HUGE homework assignment, 22 hours of clinicals, and our massive case study/plan for a postpartum patient. I still have a B in both OB and Peds and clinicals are going really well. I don't enjoy the pediatric patients because they scream and cry every time I walk in the room, but I really like the moms and babies. Because of a lack of peds patients, I did spend a day in critical care and I really like that too. I've never seen a kinder bunch of nurses. My new mantra...four more weeks, four more weeks, four more weeks. Nope, didn't help. I've still got to hit the books for the OB test tomorrow.

Wild critters

2007-06-17T07:34:00.000-07:00

So grossed out. We have two dove that snuggle in our flowerbed. I love getting up in the morning and see them entwined in their corner of the bed. I love listening to the coo. We don't use pesticides or fertilizers because of the birds. We've watched all spring as the Mom took care of her eggs, and watched as her babies grew and finally left the nest. This morning, they were hanging out in the backyard, and one of our dogs grabbed one of them and pulled a bunch of feathers out before my husband could think to yell, "drop it!!" The dogs have been to obediance classes, and she knows the command, so she did drop it, but I think it was too late. Now he/she can't fly. Husband picked her/him up and put it in out of the fence area, but he said it didn't fly. Her/his mate was flying around it. I hope it's ok. I can't find it anywhere, so maybe it was just shocked at what happened, but I don't think so. I only found four feathers, so maybe he/she can stay alive long enough to recover, but since we live in a rural setting, it's more likely that some critter will get it. Poor bird. Friday, at the crack of dawn, I was going out to get the paper. I had clinicals that morning, so I have to get up extra early. One of our dogs isn't crated, so she always goes out with me to get the paper, and pee. After peeing, she took off like a rocket, and I saw that she was nose to nose with a skunk. I quietly (but urgently) said her name over and over, and she ran back across the street to me. The skunk was just lifting it's tail and turning around. When Ti came to me, the skunk started chasing her. We hauled ass in the house, both of us. Boy, did she dodge a bullet. Dummy got sprayed last year so you would think she'd know better. That burnt hair smell hung around for weeks, even though I got to her with tomato juice and bathed her, and got her to the groomer that morning to get the hydrogen peroxide/baking soda treatment. I am so not a wildlife person. I am a city girl and it freaks me out to see all this crap. I told someone that until I moved here, I'd never seen a deer outside a zoo. Now they just dart out in front of my car all the time. Sometimes, this place scares the crap out of me.

Covering my ass

2007-06-07T12:36:00.000-07:00

I've deleted a ton of blogs because even though I have been very, very careful to not identify my school or hometown, I'm nervous that someone will be lurking and put two and two together. I also would be crushed if anyone recognized anything about any of my patients. I really believe that everyone has a right to privacy, and I've decided to not say anything about my patients that would possibly identify them. Obviously, school (though not the name of it) is fair game.

I passed my first OB test with an 82. I can't remember the last time I made an 82 on a test. I just felt sick. That's a C!!!! I've really tried to let go of the grade obsession, but a C? Please... I've got to hit the books a lot harder than I have been. Redeemed myself somewhat with a 90 in Peds.

Next...is circumcision the grossest thing or what. I watched a poor baby get the knife without a local. When the doctor was done, that baby looked like he'd been boiled alive, he turned so red from crying. Then the doctor tries to sell us that the sugar water on the pacifier soothes them, and it doesn't bother them a bit. Bullshit. I wanted to call my son and apologize to him for letting someone do that to him. I don't think the nursery is for me. I loved NICU, but the nursery seemed kind of boring. The babies are cute, but not much to do. Most of the time, it was pretty empty since the babies are with their moms. Nope, not for me.

Uh Oh

2007-06-03T13:45:00.000-07:00

We had our first test in OB. We took it on Thursday, and the grades were supposed to be posted that afternoon or Friday morning. When they hadn't shown up after clinicals on Friday, I drove to school to find out what the deal is. The program director (who also teaches the class) was just leaving. I asked about the test and she told me that "they aren't pretty." The high was 89 and the low was 50. She was taking them home to make sure something wasn't keyed wrong. I seriously thought I didn't miss that many. Shit. Please don't let mine be the 50! I luckily had to make a quick trip to Nashville yesterday to help my son out with moving, so I didn't obsess then, but of course, I am today. Nice start to the new semester.

This creature is stirring...alot

2007-05-26T14:19:00.000-07:00

Lazy days and vacations are a thing of memories only. We had a great time. Milwaukee was a surprise. It's big, and clean, and really pretty. Marquette University is right next to downtown which is VERY vital and active, and there are a bunch of cute neighborhoods that border the area. The new stadium where the Brewers play is nice, and the fans enthusiastic. We had a good time. Chicago was a blast. Three days wasn't even close to enough time to see everything. We're going back in a couple of months to try to see a little more. We should have carved out more time to just hang out at the sidewalk restaurants and shopping, and less time on planned activities.
Of course, it's back to school time. We started last Monday with clinical orientations. Then a Ped class and OB class, and back to clinicals. I was supposed to be on a Ped floor Friday, but there weren't many kids there, so I asked the director if I could go to the NICU. A lady who works out at my gym the same time and I do is a nurse there, and I knew she'd be cool with my following her around even though I'm totally ignorant. My instructor and the director OK'd it, and it was a blast. There were some really sick babies there, but there were several who were pretty healthy and just gaining a little more weight before they get to go home, and I got to do plenty of diaper changes, feeding, and rocking. I LOVED IT!!!! It never occurred to me that I might love the babies. I think if this is what I did, I would not be bored with it. I loved the aspect of caring for the babies (and yes, I know they don't all make it), and the large amount of education the nurses do with the parents. I've been so confused about where my interests lie. I know how easily bored I get, so I always thought ER would be a good fit for me. Critical care always looked so boring to me, but the NICU nurses were busy all the time. They were also so awesome with the parents. Some of these people were very tense, and the nurses were so giving and caring, and knew just the right things to do and say to make this experience as comfortable as it can be for them. They really helped them form a bond with babies who are too tiny to hold. I've also been drawn to Hospice. The mixture of nursing and social work is very, very attractive to me. Social work is my dream job, but since the pay sucks, I just couldn't do it. I can't imagine that kind of stress in a job that pays less than waiting tables. I don't know what to do, and now I only have six months to figure it out! I'm sure I'll do a thousand more things that fascinate me before graduation, and I'll be even more confused. I try to remember that everything right now is new and fresh, and it's normal that I would find it fun to do and that I may feel differently six months down the line.

Vacation Days

2007-05-05T07:33:00.001-07:00

Welp, it's vacation time. I'm spiraling in shame because I just dropped my dogs at the vet for a week of boarding. I will worry about them all week. They look at me with their trusting eyes, and I just left them there. I've got a pet sitter coming every days to tend to the kitties, so we're all set to go. We will all have to get over it. Tomorrow, it's off to Milwaukee. We're seeing a Brewer's game and whatever else Milwaukee has to offer (beer, I guess). After three days there, it's off to Chicago. We're meeting friends, and my sister and her boyfriend for three days. We'll see the Broadway show "Wicked", go to a Cubs game (my husband is a baseball fanatic), and then see the "Blue Man Group". I think this is just what we need before the hell of summer school starts. As soon as we get back, my in laws are coming here, and we've got stuff planned for the week with them. Most of it will be my father in law and husband playing golf, but it will still be fun. I'm pretty excited.

It's all good

2007-04-26T06:10:00.000-07:00

Semester is all but done. I've gotten an A in clinicals and though I haven't taken my final in med/surg, I should have a B in that class. So...big exhale of relief!! Just to brag on my class. 30 of us started this, and 30 are still there. There has never been a class that everyone passed and stayed together. I am blessed with a lot of really smart, able fellow students. I know this summer may cause some to falter, but they are really a good bunch, and the nice thing is, there is no one in the class I will be disappointed to find in my clinical group. Sure I like some better than others, but there is no one I actively dislike. On to OB/Peds. Now I can start obsessing on that.

Cheering from the cheap seats

2007-04-11T10:14:00.000-07:00

Boy, someone must have gotten good and pissed, because we had our summer schedules today. The only things I have left to take are Advanced Med Surg and OB/Peds. I was hoping for Med Surg in the summer because it's harder than OB/Peds and I wanted to get the worst out of the way so I can have an easier semester and focus on NCLEX. It makes for a really crappy summer, but if I can take my ex husband for 10 years, I can surely handle a brutal 10 weeks. Nope. Didn't happen. I am in the 1/3 of the class who got OB/Peds. I was disappointed at first, but then, since I'm helpless to do anything else about it, I'm looking on the bright side. We'll have 10 students in my clinical group. I don't live in a large city, and there is an excellent childrens' hospital 70 miles away. If we're lucky, they'll be 2-3 pediatric patients for all of us to work with. We do have lots of babies though.

When you live in a low income, poorly educated area, there are always lots of babies. I guess since none of them work, and using meth doesn't take up all of their time, they have babies. I may be a little bitter because (through my volunteer stuff) I just attended a termination hearing where the rights of a parent, for the 3rd time, were terminated. Her justification for keeping THIS one was because she is now clean. She got arrested for possession of shit to make meth, and she has to stay clean to avoid jail. That is the incentive she needed to stay clean. 3 kids didn't make the cut, but God forbid she spends another night in jail!! Plus, in my little corner of Paradise, with a population of less than 60,000, we have had 8 battered babies since the 1st of the year. Folks, that is a shitload. I'm not talking bruises here. These are critically injured kids. Enough of that. I could go on all day about this.

Anyway, I am now officially enrolled, and my financial aid is a done deal. A big shout out to whoever had the hissy fit and made this happen.

Rant O Rama

2007-04-09T09:19:00.000-07:00

I take my final on the 4th of May. That is less than 4 weeks away. I will be enrolled full time in summer school. This isn't voluntary. I have to have student loans. I've applied for student loans. My program still has not enrolled us for summer school, so my loans are being denied, since I'm not enrolled. What kind of shit is that? 3/4 of my class receive financial aid, and we'll all in the same boat. When asked why this is happening, we get a bunch of crap answers. How hard would it be to just enroll us? They don't even have to tell us what we're taking or what hours. Heaven knows they've never had a problem putting TBA in the past on our classes. That would take care of all of these problems, but NOOOOOO. Just too inconvenient for them regardless of the hardships it is going to place on the students. I'm in the minority that I don't have to work, or have small children at home. Others are having to make child care arrangements and job schedules, and they won't give us a hint as to when we'll find out where we're going to be. That's bullshit. They keep whining they have to hire staff. Who's problem is that? It won't affect us. They have X number of students for X number of clinical spots. They don't have to announce who the instructors are. Just enroll us. I know there are more students than spots so I suppose that makes them feel we'll suck up whatever they dish out (and they are right...we will), but cut us some slack. This is ridiculous. Rant over.

Spring break was really fun. My two nephews came up and we went to "only big city in Indiana" and stayed downtown and spent a few days there. I made sure we had stuff to do morning, noon, and night. They really had fun. Plus, if anyone wants to laugh their heads off, go see "Blades of Glory". Yes, it's stupid, but so funny. Really, really, really funny.

I'm too lazy to blog

2007-03-23T19:54:00.000-07:00

I'm not antisocial, or clinically depressed. I'm just lazy. I can't believe I've only posted two blogs this month. It's so weird that so many of us are graduating and becoming real nurses. Getting real jobs and doing real nurse stuff. We've all spent the last year or two propping each other up through this whole thing, and now there is a light at the end of the tunnel. When I start thinking I'm an idiot, I make a good grade on a test, or do well on a clinical assignment, and then I breath again. Someone asked me today if I was tired of school because I want to earn money, and I said that I haven't worked for a salary in several years, so that wasn't really the incentive. I'm just tired of the worry all of the time. The constant second guessing of am I going to make it. Am I doing a good job. Did I forget something, or some homework assignment, or are we going to have a quiz, or am I going to be late for clinical. That's what I'm tired of. I want to feel competent. I don't want to feel uneasy. I want to feel capable. I don't want to think about this anymore. I think at this point, that is as meaningful to me as actual nursing.

Spring is springing

2007-03-13T11:16:00.000-07:00

There is a song in my heart. I just went outside to play with the dogs. I looked at one of the trees, and there are LEAVES!!! It's 75 degrees and perfect. Yes, I have Seasonal Anxiety Disorder. I wither in the winter, and don't feel alive until it's warm outside. My two favorite nephews are coming in a couple of weeks, and a month after that, we have a baseball vacation planned. We've gotten tickets to a Milwaukee Brewers game, and then a Chicago Cubs game. We're spending 3 days in each city. My sister and her boyfriend/life partner are meeting us. I'm so excited! School is going well, and all is right with the world. We just bought new patio furniture, and I've pruned the roses. I should start seeing the tulip and daffodils coming up any day now. I'm itching to go to the nursery to buy new flowers, but it's supposed to get cold again in a few days, so I'll hold out, but I know it's coming soon. It's my favorite time of the year, and I'm finally happy again!

I'm drowning

2007-03-05T16:00:00.000-08:00

Clinicals were good last week. I'm taking care of multiple patients now. I'm becoming a legend for my IVs. I'm still at 100% on first stick. I had a 93yo with no veins at all last week, and thought my record would end, but nope, got it. I'm starting to feel kind of nursey like, but the assignments are killing me. I've got a case plan to do, an oral presentation, homework, a test, 100 NCLEX questions, and everything else all within the next week. My midterm evals went great, but we're losing out clinical instructor. The new one seems nice, but I'll miss the original. I was really excited to be in her group, and now she's leaving. I've also got a termination hearing for a CASA case that needs a court report from me by tomorrow, and my kid is having a meltdown, so instead of getting anything done this weekend, I drove to Nashville to try to prop him up for a while. We're doing our service project for Leadership Academy and graduation crap to do for Student Government. I want this over so I can have a normal life again. I feel like my volunteer cases are getting screwed because of school, but I have to prioritize. The director understands, but I still feel guilty. Oh well, I'll get over it.

F'ing up in clinicals

2007-02-17T11:26:00.000-08:00

I had the worst week in clinicals ever this week. The patient was nice and fairly easy to take care of, but I got written up for forgetting to ask a patients name when passing meds and have to do a whole day more of med pass to make up for it. Then, starting an IV, I didn't get the tubing in quickly enough and the poor guy was bleeding all over the place. What a mess! The instructor told me to stop beating myself up. The patient was old, had really fragile skin, was dehydrated, and said he was a hard stick with rolling veins. I got him on the first try, so she said it was a great job and stop stressing. I know I touched the edge of the port with my glove and now I'm obsessing that the guy is going to get some massive infection even though again, the instructor told me to lay off myself, and that I did a good job. She also told me to stop worrying about the med pass, and that it was just going to go away as soon as I redid it, and that I was not the only one. Good luck with that. I think my care plan sucked, but I haven't gotten it back yet. This is the first time I've ever felt that it is possible I may not be able to hack it. Part of me knows I'm making this a bigger issue than it is, and I know I'm harder on myself than anyone else could ever be. How do I stop making myself nuts?

Things I'm tired of.........

2007-02-14T12:44:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of snow.
I'm tired of ice.
I'm tired of driving on snow and ice.
I'm tired of being stuck in the house because of snow and ice.
I'm tired of walking dogs in the snow.
I'm tired of wet snow boots.
I'm tired of the foyer of my house being wet and cold from wet snow boots and wet dogs.
I'm tired of doing drug cards.
I'm tired of doing care plans.
I'm tired of tests.
I'm tired of studying for tests.
I'm tired of having my stomach hurt all of the time because I stress out about school.
I'm tired of being tired all the time.

On a happier note, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!! My Valentine got a pair of diamond earings for me. I just broke my other pair, but they were tiny, and these are not quite as tiny. They're a half carat total weight. Not too big and not too small. Just right for clinicals!

Baby, it's COLD outside.

2007-01-31T04:52:00.000-08:00

I can't even think about anything except IT'S FREAKING FREEZING OUTSIDE!!! I'm a girl from the south. My blood is too thin for this. It's only 8 degrees outside. That's ridiculous. I'm so cold, I can't focus on reading my book on the riveting topic of NG feeding. That means we'll have a quiz today since I don't really know the material. I can't even stand the thought of getting in my car to warm it up. Plus, I have a mamogram scheduled for today. They'd better warm up that glass before they stick it on my boob, that's for sure. What to expect for the rest of the week? Cold and snow, and then more cold and snow. This sucks.

I FOUND A DOG!!!

2007-01-14T19:45:00.000-08:00

Yes, the choirs are singing! I found my dog. When I stopped crying over my babies, I knew I needed another dog. My Yoda was a bearded collie (mostly). They are so beautiful. They look kind of like the "shaggy dog" in the movie, but they have beautiful long hair like an afghan hound. Puppies are $800-1000 from a decent breeder, so people are always looking for rescues. I'm on the waiting list of all the rescue groups for both mixed and purebreeds, but from all the years of volunteering for animal rescue, I will NEVER buy a purebred dog. We have millions of unwanted dogs in this country who make incredible pets, and I'm not going to contribute to an industry that consists of beauty contests for dogs (my mother is a show dog person/breeder/kennel owner, so I DO know what I'm talking about and don't want to hear any bullshit about preserving the breed). Wanting a very popular dog, and refusing to buy one from a breeder means I'm dependant on rescue groups and shelters. I've applied for four dogs so far, and all but one was placed with other families. Good families I'm sure, but I knew that my dog was out there, and those just weren't my dog. I applied for this dog (God bless Petfinder.com), and knew that the foster mother had recieved over a dozen applications. I went to "only big city in Indiana" and met her Saturday. She is so incredible, I almost cried. She was a stray in a pound two weeks ago, and was still scared. She was shaking like a leaf. When I pet her, she calmed down and crawled in my lap. Everytime someone came up to her, and everyone did, she would start shaking again. She never left my lap. There were other families that came to visit her, but she would always come back and lay down on my lap. I knew this was my dog. I hoped the foster mom did too, but it was her call to make. I told her that I hoped I was selected as her new mom, but that I prayed for my dog, and if she was the one, then she would be my dog and I went home. I got an email tonight offering to let us adopt her. I'm so excited that I can hardly stand it. We've also adopted a "pure D" mutt, and she'll be here soon. Our house will feel like a home again. If I knew how to post pictures, I would, but anyone can go to images in Google or whatever and put in bearded collie. They are just the best!! They can cut their eyes at you when they're doing something wrong, and you just have to laugh 'cause they're so cute. I can't wait until Saturday when she finally comes home!!!

Around the world in 8 days.

2007-01-07T16:43:00.000-08:00

Boy, the old southern saying "road hard and put up wet" would be apt. The hub and I took off on the 29th and drove 14 hours to Oklahoma to see the in laws and nieces. We had something planned for the entire four days we were there. The big fun thing was going to see someone I'd never heard of. This comediane named Rodney Carrington was playing at a casino, and we took the parents there for part of their Christmas. That guy was seriously funny. Nasty, but really funny. I broke even on blackjack, and got good mexican food, so a great night. In laws got me an 18k gold bracelet in Italy with some matching earings, and a Venetian glass vase, so great gifts. Then, to Texas. Our best friends of many, many years live there, and we got a hotel room in a place with an indoor pool. Their two girls (6 and 8) stayed at the hotel with us and swam a lot. We ate mexican food at least 8 times in 3.5 days, and saw "Night at the Museum" with the girls at the local Imax. It was cute. Went to the science and history museum with the kids. Then took off for a lovely 14 hour drive home. We thought we would be able to veg the next day (yesterday), but the guy who took care of our cats for us asked us over for a big football extravaganza and then we took them out to dinner for a thank you, so no sleep. Today, I had to get ready for school tomorrow, so I'm dead. It was worth it though. We had a great time, and it was the first time since the dogs died that I actually had fun. Now the next year starts. It's all nursing for the next 12 months!!!

Gimme a Break

2006-12-15T19:23:00.000-08:00

Everything has been so sad for my husband and I for the last couple of weeks, that I need to talk about the good news too. I ended the semester with two A's and two B's. One of the B's was in Pharmacology which is only a two hour class, so I'll keep my GPA up. It's so hard going from a 4.0 student to getting B's, but I'm going to have to let that go. Everyone in my class will continue on next semester, and that's awesome, but a few failed Pharm. The only reason they'll get to continue, is because the schedule worked out so that they can take it again next semester. These are the same students who barely made it in the other classes by the skin of their teeth. I don't know how they'll handle it next semester when things are going to get a lot harder and faster paced. Some of these are kids who are newly married, working full time, and trying to take some prereqs they didn't get done. I don't know how they do it at all. Everyone in the class would do anything we could to help them, but the weird thing is, they don't ask. Maybe they're just too overwhelmed, but I think finals were a big wake up call. I'm excited to start the new semester, and hope I do really well. I love the clinical instructor I got, and the Med/Surg instructor is really good. I think it's going to be a fun year.

My Heart Hurts

2006-12-15T08:25:00.000-08:00

We had to have our old girl put to sleep today. She developed a terrible vaginal infection, and her sinus cavity was so filled with infection, pus was flowing out one of her eyes. Christmas will be in an empty house this year.

Ode to Yoda

2006-12-08T03:52:00.000-08:00

This isn't anything about nursing (though I did make an A in clinicals). This is the story of my Yoda. If you want nursing, come back another day. He was such a great guy, and had such a time of it, and I miss him more than I'm able to express. He was what my Mom calls your "heart dog". She said in every life, if you have pets, there is one that gets really deep in your heart. We all love our pets, but this is the special one who is more friend than pet, and you just don't ever get over him/her. He was that to me. I found Yoda while walking at a local middle school. He was drinking out of the sprinkler heads. I mentioned to my husband how cute he was, and that no one was paying any attention to him. I saw a tag hanging off his neck, so went to find out if I could track down his owner. It wasn't a tag, it was 6" long matted hair, and he had matching matted fur earings. In fact, his whole body was covered in ticks, burrs, and deep knotted matted up hair. He was adorable, even in that state. I looked at him and asked, "Are you a nice dog?". He raised one paw up, and waved to me. I asked him if he would follow me to the car, and he stood up and walked right beside me. I looked at my husband, and he was just shaking his head from side to side. I told him to be quiet and give me the car keys. He did, and when we got to the car, I opened the door, and he hopped right up. We would perform this action for the next four years. He was such a mess, that he had to be shaved to his skin. The burrs had burrowed down into his skin, and the groomer said he never even moved when she opened his skin up to dig them out. There were scabs everywhere. He was also heartworm positive and he went through the treatment without complaining one iota. He was so sick, but he still would wag his tail everytime he saw me. He had skin cancer, and endured a really extensive surgery. He never touch his sutures, and would always have a wag for the vet. He never had an accident in the house, and he loved his walks. He lived to hang out with me. That's all he required to be happy. He went on vacations with us, and trips to the post office. He was ok with the cats, but in reality, he didn't like them that much. If they left him alone, he did the same, but if they came to his area, he would lunge them and they would run away. He never commited one single violent act on anything or anyone. He had cancer all over his body, and never uttered a peep until the very, very end. I don't ever want to know how badly he hurt, but there was always a wag in his tail and a head for me to pet. He walked his last minute in the vets office the same way. He was a mensch. He really was, and I'll miss him as long as I live. Coming home is painful without his little head peering out the door for me waiting for my car to pull in the garage so that I could come in the house and give him a kiss. He cannot be replaced.

Worst day ever

2006-12-04T15:09:00.000-08:00

Right now, I'm pretty much destroyed. I have an old dog who is 15 years old, and have prepared myself for her death. I never, never expected that my beloved Yoda would be the one to die. He's only 6 years old and just Saturday, went on a quick trip with us to Nashville. Yesterday, he couldn't pee. He would try and try and nothing would come out. He also screamed a couple of times and once acted like he was having a seizure. He had a grooming appt today at the vet, so I asked them to look at him. When I came to pick him up, the vet said his prostate was huge, and since he's a neutered dog, it was almost certainly cancer. Xrays showed the tell-tell signs. This is a very aggresive cancer, and by the time the symptoms show up, it has almost always metastisized. The vet said the stuff yesterday may have been from pain, or it was in his brain. It was the saddest thing I've been through outside of my Grandmothers death. My husband, the vet, and I were all crying over his lifeless body. I am inconsolable. I don't know how this hole in my heart will ever be filled up. I'm not a big dog person. I like cats, but this goofy, sweet dog had my heart wrapped around his paw and I don't think I'll ever stop crying.

Clinicals OVER for this semester

2006-11-30T10:06:00.000-08:00

Happy days. I did my last clinical today for this semester, and we really didn't do anything. We actually brought a ton of food for the staff we've worked with this semester and did very little patient care. Turns out the other clinical groups have been having "field trips" while we've been wiping rear ends and putting in catheters, so we got a day to do whatever. We wandered the floor, and spent the morning just hanging with the patients who seemed to want someone to talk to. Then we left early. It was a really fun day, and the staff pounced on all of the food and really seemed to appreciate it. Next week are some oral presentations and reports we haven't gotten around to finishing and evaluations, so no more butt wipe unil January. Woohoo!!!!!

Show ebay some love

2006-11-12T20:53:00.000-08:00

Can I just say that I love ebay? I mean, really love it. You can find ANYTHING on ebay. I got a certain pattern of plates while married to the low life piece of shit. That was 25 years ago, and lots of them have gotten broken or whatever, and I put the remaining 6 place settings I had left in a box because they were really nice, and expensive, Lenox stoneware, and I just couldn't stand the thought of getting rid of them. I still love the way they look. So cute. Kind of impressionist daisies on an off white plate with a band of blue around the edge. Yellow and blue are my favorite kitchen colors. Anyhoo, the pattern has been discontinued for a million years, and I looked a few years ago at the china replacement places, and they wanted like $150.00 for a place setting! Couldn't go there. I got a wild hair about two weeks ago to look on ebay. SCORE!!! Who would think there was that much of a discontinued dish pattern still around? I went from 6 dinner plates, 6 bread plates, 3 coffee cups/saucers, 2 bowls, and one gravy boat to 12 dinner plates, 12 bread plates, 12 salad plates, 6 cereal bowls (can't find those very easily), 12 desert plates, 10 coffee cups/saucers, and a covered casserole dish, and of course, the gravy boat. All of the extra pieces cost less than $200.00. While I was at it, I bought all of the serving pieces to the formal flatware that goes with my china. Got all of those for practically nothing...just a few dollars apiece. I'm sending out a buncha love to ebay.

The people have spoken

2006-11-08T09:27:00.000-08:00

How 'bout those elections! I know this has nothing to do with nursing, but I'm so happy with the results (and fully expect the senate to follow). Now please let the new direction pull their heads out of their asses, and get our citizens OUT OF IRAQ! These men and women need to be home with their families and not being killed by nutballs in some third world country. If I felt that one positive thing had been accomplised by this never ending conflict, I might feel differently, but as a private citizen and a member of this globe, I don't feel one iota safer, or feel this world is one iota safer by invading a backwoods shithole like Iraq. We could be treating every starving infant on the globe with the money we've wasted on the war. We may have been able to eradicate malaria or HIV with that much money. It's been the biggest drain on our country, and any congress that allows the pork that the current seated congress has and the ongoing bleeding of our tax dollars for nothing (see story about congress in last issue of Rolling Stone if you want to be really horrified) needs to go. Where the hell has all the money earmarkded for New Orleans gone? On cheap shitty trailers rotting on a big lot in Ft. Smith, Arkansas. The people have spoken and now the Democrats need to do what they say they're going to. My biggest wish? National Healthcare. We need it so badly and while it isn't ever going to happen with Bush in the White House, if the Dems do a credible job in the next two years, they can keep control and actually elect a Democratic president in 2008, and we may have a chance. Clinton tried, but with a Republican controlled congress, that was a pipe dream. My hopes are looking up!

No, I'm not all that.

2006-11-02T04:13:00.000-08:00

Well, I got my balloon burst. Even though I outwardly said, "Oh, I'm worried about how I did on that test or this test.", inwardly, I didn't really sweat it because I haven't failed anything in such a long time, it didn't seem like that was an option. Well, it is a very, very real option, because I failed my first test. Not barely...oh no...hugely. It was an impressive failure. I made a 64 on a test over electrolytes, fluid balance. My grade in that class plummeted from a 94% to an 89% in one large thunk. This can be made up. We have two more regular tests plus the final, but it was a shock nevertheless. It happened two days ago, and I can't stop thinking about it. Did I study hard? No, to be honest, I didn't study crap, but since I've had all of that stuff in biochemistry, A&P, and Advanced Physiology, I didn't really think I needed to kill myself this time. Wrong assumption. I hang my head in shame, and will, on all future tests, take nothing for granted. I'll study for the rest as hard as I did for the first one. I just cannot believe how bad I stunk that one up!

I'm a geek!

2006-10-27T19:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, I couldn't do a spreadsheet if my life depended on it. I can't list the links of my favorite blogs, or anything else, but I went Hi-Tech today and bought a PDA. I just bought a Palm TX. I came home yesterday, and there was ANOTHER $650. in scholarship money, so I thought, "What the hell...". Now I need to know what software to buy. Obviously a drug guide will be necessary, but what else? Do any of you have any personal favorites or suggestions? I'd like something with good diagnosis info and interventions, but what else? It seems stupid to haul this thing around and not use it to it's full potential (please, please God let me be smart enough to figure out how to use it). Help me, I'm stupid. Well, not that stupid, because 6 weeks before the end of the semester, I have two A's and one B. Damn that clinical! The instructors say no one gets an A, but I have a 91%. So close! Anyway, none of the scholarships are from the school. You have to be on welfare for them to look at you, but my community came through, and the county selected me as one of the two scholarship recipients they choose each year, so YAY!! I'm feeling so short term rich!

Great time!

2006-10-21T21:21:00.000-07:00

Remember I said that Saturday's would be mine. No books or school or studying. Friday I attended a conference for a school group in "the only big city in Indiana". My in-laws flew in and my husband picked them up and then picked me up from the meetings, and we went to the Indianapolis 500 Speedway and toured the museum, and rode all around the track in a little bus while getting the tour spiel. I'm not a racing fan, but it was pretty awesome. Then we had a nice dinner in the downtown area (Mexican!!! Ole!!), and checked into our hotel. We got up at the crack 'o dawn and drove to South Bend for the Notre Dame football game. We went really early to see everything on the campus and it was SO beautiful and the church was incredible. I don't think you need to be Catholic to appreciate it, but it's triple cool if you are! End zone seats, but they were in the stadium, and the Irish won! Just a really fun day. When we got home, there was $1400.00 in scholarship money I got for this semester and a letter that said as long as I take 12 hours and maintain a 3.0 GPA, it will be mine next semester too with no strings attached! What a good day!

Doesn't it figure?

2006-10-17T18:46:00.000-07:00

We didn't move to the midwest voluntarily. Since we have Homeland Security and a war to pay for, there is no money in the budget for the silly, frivolous things like keeping violent offenders off the streets, so the budget for the Federal Prisons was slashed. My husband was told to find somewhere else to be, that the Medical Center he was working at was changing to a garden variety prison and the staff was going to be downsized, and this is where we landed. I love Ft. Worth. All the benefits and none of the pretentiousness of Dallas. We made the best of it, and since the cost of living here was so much lower than a lot of places, we landed here. Of course, I had to take some classes I didn't need in Texas, and lost some classes they required there, it made school a little longer, but what are you going to do? As my ex FIL said (he was an ATF agent), "I always went wherever they were sending my paycheck." Now, one year before I graduate, Hub got a call from a prison in Ft. Worth (there are three in the DFW area) asking if he wants to go to work there. Can you believe it? He told the administrator there that he would love to come back, but I don't graduate until next December. The guy said they weren't in a big rush, so he'll call back tomorrow and see if they'll hold the job open for that long without posting it so that we can move back home. The pisser is that I LOVED my house in Ft. Worth. It was a little cosmetically challenged when we bought it, and we spent 7 years remodeling it. My kitchen was a work of art. Now we'd have to live somewhere else. I'll probably drive past my pretty house everyday just to torture myself, cause that's my way. This is probably a tease, and it would be a huge imposition to be short staffed for a year just to wait for us to be able to move, but I want to go home so bad now I can taste it.

They have GOT to be kidding!

2006-10-16T19:24:00.000-07:00

I got a letter today, and since I've been laying on my ass not studying for the Nursing test tomorrow, I had plenty of time to read it. In a nutshell, it said I was awarded a $250.00 scholarship (out of the MANY fine applicants, mmm), but because it's for nursing, I will have to work in Indiana as a nurse for two years after graduation. I don't think so. The state Nursing Scholarship Grant that would have paid for my tuition and books for the entire nursing program turned me down due to "lack of financial need". They also required two years, but for a free ride, I would have done it. Two years for $250.00 per semester? Whatever. My husband makes more than that on one shift at work, and they expect me to sell two years of my life for the equivelant of less than one days pay? Are they stupid? I don't give a shit if I plan on spending the rest of my natural life in Indiana, I still won't take their piece of crap scholarship. I went to a Student Government convention this weekend, and there were three members of the schools board answering written questions from the students. I wrote on my sheet.."Please explain why a 4.0 student who is active in Student Government, and Student Leadership Academy, and does extensive volunteer work in the community who is going into a career field with desperate shortages can't get any financial aid except for unsubsidized student loans? Please explain why there is NO merit based financial aid available for a student like me." They didn't read or answer my question. Do you think I was a little too hostile? Do you think I'm bitter?

Sometimes, I brake for a real life

2006-10-08T06:51:00.000-07:00

Had a great Saturday. It was my husband's birthday, so we took off about 7:30am and went to some friends house. Their whole neighborhood has a bazillion yard sales, so we spent half the day there. I got a really nice drug book (2003, so not too old) for $.50. I like it a lot better than Mosebys. I got some other books and candles and bakeware. Then we went out to lunch with the friends. We then went to the mall so that my husband could buy video games and I got a new purse. I found the cutest messenger bag at Macy's. Carting bags with equipment, and a loaded backpack made it very hard to hold handles of a purse too, so now I can consolidate most of the equipment and purse stuff, and just sling it over my body which leaves my hands free. I love it! We bought gooey cookies and greasy hamburgers and had a junk food feast when we got home. My hub played his video games and I watched my tivo'd shows, and didn't even look at nursing stuff. I have a ton of stuff to do for school, and the next two days to do it, but I've made a vow that Saturdays belong to me. It really gives me something to look forward to when I feel overwhelmed.

Woohoo!!!

2006-10-03T17:21:00.000-07:00

This has been the best few days. Saturday, I was done with studying. After the Pharm test last Friday, I needed some fun. My husband and I got up on Saturday, and drove into "Only Big City in Indiana". We went to the zoo and to a big garden next to it. Then we went to dinner to a nice restaurant and drove home. Sunday was spent with the kid. Church, lunch, and hanging out. Monday was a TV marathon with everything I've recorded for the last week, plus a bit of studying for the test in my nursing class today. I was prepared to not do well on the test since I spent very little time on preparing, but felt it was worth it to have some recreational time. I MADE A 94!!!!! I must be the best guesser in the world! I'm so happy right now that I could dance. Now I have to read for a quiz tomorrow, but right now, I feel like I can do anything.

Smiley face

2006-09-29T08:26:00.000-07:00

I've been sick worrying about my pharm test. I made an 88 on the first one, and felt way less prepared for this one since it was extensively over the CNS drugs, but I made a 92!!! Happy, happy, joy, joy (thank you Ren and Stimpy)!! Another solid B effort in a nursing class. I've been an A student for so long, it's really hard for me to get over that I'm not one anymore. Talking with fellow students, I asked how many are waking up 3-4 times a night terrified that the alarm isn't going to go off and we'll oversleep. I was amazed that a ton of others are doing it too. Back to the grind, I've got a 10 chapter test in my regular Nursing class on Tuesday, and I haven't even started the study guide yet. No rest for the weary (or is it wicked? I qualify on both counts probably).

Why me?

2006-09-22T18:43:00.000-07:00

As if my sad dog situation isn't enough, my hard drive fried. Again. For the second time in the space of two months. WTF??? My brother-in-law is a computer specialist. When the 1st hard drive fried (with everything I love on it), the BIL said, "No, don't buy one, I have an extra." Words to live by. When my husband installed the POS, I asked him where BIL got it. He didn't know, and BIL didn't tell him. I told the hub it was clicking like the other one did before it fried, but he said it was probably a fan. Then I read a newspaper article over the weekend that said if the hard drive is clicking, better get things backed up, cause it's dead or dying. I told the husband, and 5 days later, he still hadn't backed anything up, and since I wouldn't have a clue how to do that crap, I sure didn't. Well, death came knocking this evening. I went upstairs because I knew my hub was talking to his brother on his computer, and demanded to know where it came from. Apparently BIL doesn't remember where it came from, it was just in a box at his house. Turd brain didn't know if it was good or bad. Now my whole semester is gone. What a bitch. All of my court forms...GONE. All of my drug cards....GONE. All of my study guides....GONE. Shit. I need sugar, and I need it now. Since this is medicinal sugar, and not recreational sugar, I'm going to have to go out in the rain to get it. Shit.

Third time is the charm

2006-09-21T18:12:00.000-07:00

This is the 3rd time I've been tagged for songs, so I'll do it. Since I don't know how to link, all the people I usually post on, do it too. There...............

1. Radio Cure - Wilco From Yankee Hotel Foxtrot..Just the best. I went to Bloomington to see them at Indiana University. Me and every college kid into alternative rock music at IU.

2. Leaving Home - The Beatles Sgt. Pepper...just so pretty and hopeful

3. Time Bomb - Old 97's Too Far to Care Kind of alt county, another one of my not mainstream finds, but the most CLEVER songwriting ever. I love everything they do, but this is the song that brought me to them, so I'm listing it.

4. The Question - (also) Old 97's I think Sattelite Rides, but not totally sure...the most romantic song ever, and my son said when he proposes to his wife, it will be done by singing this song to her.

5. Judgement of the Moon and Stars - Joni Mitchell For the Roses....another one I love every song on this CD, but if someone put a gun to my head, I'd choose this.

6. Love by the Dashboard Light - Meat Loaf Bat out of Hell....funniest song ever, ever done. I know every single word including the play by play of the baseball game.

7. Karma Police - Radiohead OK Computer....another band that I love every last note of their music, and in fact, it was hard to choose between this CD and The Bends. Very hard.

There you have it. Proof positive of my excellent taste in music. 7 songs isn't nearly enough.

Hangin' in there

2006-09-21T13:47:00.000-07:00

I've just had the saddest day. I have pets. Lots and lots of pets. The queen of the crew is my dog Sammy. She is almost 16 years old, and for a chow mix, that is OLD. Really, really, really old. There is something called "Old Dog Vestibular Disturbance". It's particular to older dogs, and it starts with their eyes shooting back and forth and they behave like they're drunk or have had a stroke. With or without treatment and in about a week to a month, they recover like it never happend. My dog, of course, has been the exception. She's never gotten over it, but she's learned to cope better. Today was a relapse. A terrible relapse. She was going outside to tinkle, and fell down the brick steps and abraded the entire side of her mouth. This happened while I was at clinicals, and my husband had to go to work. I got home and went to let the dogs in, and she was falling down all over the place. I took her to the vet and he thinks maybe the diagnosis was wrong and she may have a brain tumor. He asked if I wanted him to do tests and I asked him if there was anything he could do about it. He said no, but he wanted me to have the option of finding out. I told him no, and brought her home. She's eating well, and drinking well, and goes outside to do her business. She is not having any more shots, or blood drawn, or x-rays, teeth cleanings, or tests. She can eat, drink, sleep, and get petted. That's it. When she doesn't enjoy eating anymore, then we'll pay the extra $100.00 for a house call, and the vet can put her to sleep. Period. The worst part was my husband didn't know I was home from clinicals yet, and left work to come check on her. When he started telling me about her falling this morning, he started crying. That makes twice today my heart was broken.

Haven't flunked out yet

2006-09-20T04:10:00.000-07:00

Had my first big nursing test yesterday, and made a 92. This is of course, NOT an A. Not in nursing school land. Who cares? As a guy in the class ahead of me said, C=RN. I have done nothing but read for the last two days, and still didn't get it done. By the time I'd read about 40 pages, I decided to skim and only read what looks important and I STILL didn't get finished. That means I also barely looked at the math. Math......we have a quiz on it every week and we have to do all studying on our own time, and if we don't make at least a 90% on the test, we are OUT OF HERE!! Now, that said, the conversions and dosage calculations really aren't hard at all. I had most of that in chemistry. The problem is the syringes and labels and abrev. are all a foreign language to me and I have to know that too. I still feel like I'm faking everyone out as a competent person, and they're going to find out I'm an idiot and boot me out the door.

Fooled again

2006-09-15T18:07:00.000-07:00

Well, I've managed to fake out the instructors another week. I'm still clueless and don't understand a damn thing. An instructor today was lecturing on various drugs, and all I heard was blah, blah, blah. BUT, I did get my highlighting done, so maybe I'll do well on the test. I got an 88 on the first one without having a clue, so who knows. Surely some of this is soaking in someplace.

Is it enough?

2006-09-11T18:44:00.000-07:00

All of you who are close to graduation, help me out. The amount of required reading is escalating every semester. It seems all I am able to do is read. I'm not studying. I spent at least 6 hours today just to be current on reading for one class. That doesn't include the assignments in clinicals and pharmacology. I'm getting the gist of everything, but I don't feel like I'm getting any details. Is this going to be enough. One of the other SN called today and said she is overwhelmed. The reading is so massive, I don't even have time to look up the terms I'm not familiar with. I'm just really tired.

All about me, me, me and that's wrong, wrong, wrong

2006-09-07T09:02:00.000-07:00

I'm feeliing pretty ashamed today. If anyone reads NurseBetty (cand), you know that on Tuesday morning, 30 minutes before leaving for class, her husband of 14 years told her he wants a divorce. My shame is that the minute I read it, after feeling like throwing up for a second, I let my own past experience gain the upper hand, and started advising. In my defense, since in the distant past, I had a similar experience, I wanted her to know the things I learned, and that I learned them by doing things wrong and paying dearly for it later. Later, when my life was a little more settled, I was pissed at myself for sitting around doing nothing waiting for all of this to just go away. It didn't go away, and eventually, I dealt with it. That will come to her if this doesn't resolve, but she doesn't need to hear that right now, and I gave it to her anyway. Betty, I am so sorry. I've thought about you so much for the last 24 hours, and you might just feel like grieving right now. Ignore what I wrote. If you want to cry and vent, then do that. You should and deserve to. You've been treated terribly, and have a perfect right to focus on that right now. You do whatever feels right to you and know that regardless, there are a bazillion people keeping you and your children in our thoughts. If and when the time comes, anything you need, just ask.

Ok, that said....my husband said my full time job is to do well in school. Studying is my career right now. If that is true, I would so be fired. If I got hired to study for 8 hours a day, I'd be the worst employee in the world. Does anyone find this as dry and boring as I do?

Get a life

2006-09-04T14:19:00.000-07:00

I've heard that a million times, but it won't happen while you're in nursing school. I just read Student Nurse Jacks' blog. She is sick as a dog, but still dragged her ass to school. Isn't it ironic that a program training health proffesionals is the least tolerant of anyplace about absences? Got a sick kid? Tough shit. Got to go to court to help protect some abused kid? Tough shit. Got the flu and will infect every single person in your class? Tough shit for you and everyone else. We are allowed to miss 9.5 hours of clinicals. That's it. For the whole semester, and once you leave, you can't come back. If you go to the doctor, then go right on home, because as the program director said (in a sarcastic voice) "I'll just tell your patient, don't throw up right now, or fall out of bed, or deteriorate right this minute. Wait another hour or so and your nurse will be back. You can get sick then." This one really got me. We were doing skills, and I was in the first group to get checked out. The instructor said if we were done, we could leave. AFTER I left, she passed out homework assignments. Obviously, I didn't get it. When I said, "Hello, you passed them out AFTER you told me to go on home. What's up with that?" She admitted that is what happened, and then told me there was no makeup on homework, but she'd give me a copy of it and I could do it so I'll have it in case it shows up on a test. WTF!!!

To PDA or not to PDA

2006-08-31T15:14:00.000-07:00

Ok, my techno geek husband thinks I won't be able to finish nursing school without a PDA (I think that is what he called it..you know...Palm Pilot things). I'm appealing to my fellow inmates to let me know if it's worth it. He keeps telling me about all of the great software I can download and then I won't have to have 27 little notebooks and cheat sheets with me all of the time. Do any of you use one? Do you like it? What software do you use? It's a lot of money to spend on something that is user unfriendly and won't do me much good.

My Rant Day!

2006-08-23T14:26:00.000-07:00

We are only three days into class and I'm already in too deep. I've been invited to the Student Leadership Academy which I accepted. Then I was asked if I'll rep the Nursing Program in the Student Government Association and, of course, I said yes. This is on top of the volunteer work I do. WHY CAN'T I EVER SAY NO????? I hate to do it, but I'm going to have to back out on a new advocate case I just took on. It's going to be way complicated and there is no way I'll have that kind of time. Now I'm covered in guilt as well. As if my time is not consumed enough, I got my clinical assignment today, and it's going to be at a hospital 30 miles away. Oh, and for good measure, my computer died today and I'm taking an online class that requires I use Microsoft Office which is, of course, installed on my computer and not my husbands. I don't even need this stupid class, but I had to have the hours to qualify for the scholarships that I probably won't get. Please let my geek husband know how to fix this since he's going to have to take the class for me since there is no way I'll have the time, so I'm a cheater too. Nice.

Those who don't play well with others

2006-08-18T05:30:00.000-07:00

Since Monday is the day of reality (classes start), our study group is getting together to figure out a time that is convenient for everyone. The concern is one of the brightest in our group. Obviously, we are all good students. This degree program is so competative, that you'd better have an awesome GPA before applying, so no stupids are here. The problem with "big brain" is that she can't accept any mistakes. If she is graded one point off, she'll argue until she is blue in the face over some obscure little fact she feels wasn't worded right on the exam, which would explain why she answered it wrong. She just doesn't get that sometime things aren't in your face right, and that nursing isn't always as obvious as she believes. On the one hand, I've never seen anyone so prepared for tests. She will devour and memorize everything in her path and I'd love to have her helping with the group. On the other hand, I don't want the instuctors to paint me or the others with her argumentative attitude, because we aren't like that. I think I'll continue to study with her, but I don't think I'd want to work with her.

LATER IN THE DAY: all of the above is forgotten, because I'm in heaven. I went to a visitation for advocate stuff, and came home starving. I stopped at Panera Bread and they had some prime, fresh, soft, chewy bread that I've just used to make a very rare roast beef sandwich with horseradish and provolone cheese. I could not be in a better mood!

Oh bother!

2006-08-10T06:24:00.000-07:00

Now isn't my day going well? We are scheduled to fly out of Indianapolis tonight at 6:00. I thought it was a good time for us to go since we won't have to rush. Now those dickheads with Al-Quaida have messed my plans up and I'm taking it personally. I can't take shampoo, hair spray, liquid makeup, cologne, Mitchum gel antiperspirant, toothpaste, or moisturizer. My husband can't take after shave, cologne, shaving cream, or toothpaste. That means we'll have to buy all of that stuff when we get there, and then throw it away before we leave. Plus, we'll have to leave way early and sit around in the airport for 2-3 hours extra. Normally we'd bring a portable DVD player and kill the time watching movies, but that will just delay us more if we have electronics in our carry-on. I have a hard time concentrating on a book with all of the chaos going on in the airport, but I guess I'll just have to suck it up. Don't get me wrong...I'd rather deal with this than get blown up, but it's still inconvenient as hell. I don't do well standing in lines. Now they are suggesting we check our luggage. For a three day quick trip? I don't think so. Shit.

100 things no one really wants to know, but I'm telling anyway

2006-08-06T17:39:00.000-07:00

1. I have three sisters and no brothers.
2. My parents were divorced when we were really young, so it was a house o' women.
3. Four girls produced five boys. I have a son and all nephews.
4. My son was very unplanned. A HUGE shock.
5. I am a yellow dog Democrat, and won't vote for a Republican no matter what
6. I'm divorced from my son's father.
7. I was only single for 9 months before I remarried.
8. I didn't know my husband when my divorce was final.
9. We only dated 2 months before we were engaged, and spent our engagement in different states.
10. We didn't live in the same state the first month of our marriage.
11. My husband is 10 years younger than I am.
12. Luckily, my husband is also a "cradle" Catholic.
13. I went to college in order to be a PE teacher.
14. I decided I'd rather eat dirt than be a PE teacher.
15. I lived in a trailer when I was in college.
16. I didn't have a job until I was 21.
17. I worked as a bartender and actually did that on and off for many years.
18. I was a long distance operator for the phone company. I got fired for making personal phone calls instead of taking customer calls.
19. Two of my sisters have the same birthday, two years apart. They had to share birthday parties. Bummer
20. I've lived in four different states.
21. I don't really care where I live as long as there is a movie theater, library/bookstore, and decent grocery store.
22. I hate Wal Mart and love Target.
23. There is no Target within an hour of me. Wal Mart is down the street. Go figure.
24. I did teach in the PE department at a community college, but it was dance and aerobics and not PE.
25. I used to have a killer body, now it would kill somebody if I fell on them.
26. My husband still thinks I'm sexy after 30 pounds and 16 years.
27. I'm a total klutz and fall on a regular basis.
28. I seriously suck at almost all sports, but am a pretty decent water skiier/kneeboarder and snow skiier. Go figure.
29. My husband is a really, really great snow skiier, and can't get up on a water ski.
30. I love David Sedaris. He is the funniest essayest/short story writer EVER! I got to see him at Butler University a few months ago, and almost peed in my pants from laughing.
31. I'm terrified of most bugs, all snakes, mice and rats.
32. My nephew is gay.
33. My son is considering a religious vocation. Maybe a monestary.
34. Above son is majoring in culinary arts.
35. His goal in life is to be a published writer. He's written one full novel and working on another.
36. He had an agent try to sell his book, but no one wanted to publish it.
37. I love almost all of the HBO series (Sopranos, Six Feet Under, Deadwood, Sex & the City)
38. Until last year, I was a smoker.
39. I was a closet smoker, no one but my son and husband and immediate family knew.
40. I like to gamble, but I don't do it very often because I like it.
41. I was seriously in debt at one point in my life.
42. I paid every penny of it to everyone I owed money to. It took 5 years.
43. I have six cats and two dogs.
44. One of my dogs is very, very old, and I'm nervous every morning when I go to let her outside.
45. My mother shows dogs, and has spent about $300,000 on dogs and dog show expenses in the last ten years. She's in total denial about it.
46. I've only seen my father eight times in the past 43 years.
47. I'm tall.
48. I've worn bifocals since I was 32 years old.
49. Last year, I lost the ability to see with contacts and have to wear glasses all of the time.
50. My husband is adopted, and he knows nothing about his birthparents.
51. I've never been to Disneyworld. Disneyland yes, but Disneyworld, no.
52. My favorite vacation was skiing with our best friends in Colorado.
53. My 2nd favorite vacation was my honeymoon with husband #1 in the Bahamas.
54. My 3rd favorite vacation was a cruise with husband #2.
55. I spent a whole week in New Orleans one year to get the full Marti Gras experience.
56. I got drunk and totaled my friends car while doing the Marti Gras thing.
57. I measured .24 on the breath test, and didn't get a ticket.
58. I am a shitty driver. One year I had 3 wrecks and 10 tickets.
59. I'm not that shitty a driver anymore.
60. I cuss like a sailor. So does my husband. So does my kid.
61. My mother was pregnant with my older sister and had to get married. She's never admitted it.
62. I once sold tape for a living.
63. I was stunned at how much tape there is, and how competative the tape business is.
64. One of my cats is weird, and when I pet him, he likes to nurse his own forearms.
65. The same above cat likes to put a foam ball in his mouth and suck on it while he humps our couch pillows. Stupid cat has been fixed since he was 16 weeks old!!!
66. The above cat is my favorite pet.
67. I'm a child advocate, but I am not that comfortable with kids unless I know them really well.
68. Even though I'm not comfortable, I just can't stand people being mean to kids.
69. I'm even worse about people being mean to animals. People who leave their pets outside all the time make me sick. I mean WAY pissed off. Why bother if you don't want to love and play with them? What's the point?
70. I could eat Mexican food every day.
71. I'm a good cook. Not fancy, but my food tastes good and everyone likes it when I cook.
72. Sometimes, I go through spells, and we eat out every single meal. I won't go to the grocery store for a month except for diet coke and toilet paper.
73. I have to go to court probably every two months and assist in the process of terminating someones parental rights. It makes me want to cry. I think these people will wake up in 10 years and wonder how this could have happened and it will be too late and they'll never have another peaceful moment.
74. My ex husband sued for custody of my son. I've never felt so helpless and anguished in my life. He didn't get one single fucking day of custody and is a shit pile.
75. I don't like paper towels with designs on them. White only. My husband thinks this is retarded.
76. He'll only use Charmin toilet paper, and Puff tissues, and Q tip brand swabs and he thinks I'm retarded.
77. I had my ovaries removed and I take HRT. I quit smoking when my doctor threatened to not renew my hormone prescription.
78. I've never had PMS. I never felt any different before, during, or after my period.
79. I didn't have an ultrasound when I was pregnant. I didn't have insurance and wouldn't let them do it.
80. I didn't have an epidural, or even a Tylenol. See no insurance thing. Not bad though, I was only in labor for 4 hours.
81. I only decided on nursing school because I was sick of selling tape and needed to think of something else to do.
82. I'm really into nursing school now and am excited about being a nurse. I think I'll love it.
83. My husband works in a maximum security Federal Prison.
84. I live on the prison property in staff housing and inmates mow my lawn and pick up my trash. We are all pleasant, but don't say more than necessary.
85. My husbands' and my best friend are married to each other. Handy!!!
86. I'm a godmother to two different kids.
87. Outside of being the bride, I've only been in three weddings and one of them was serving cake. That hardly counts.
88. None of my sisters, nor I, had big weddings. They were all small, or running off to a courthouse.
89. My in-laws detested me for a long, long time. They've only started being nice in the last few years. I was probably married for 10 years before they finally accepted that I wasn't going away.
90. I like not living near his or my parents. I'd like to be closer than now, but not in the same state.
91. I never had a new car until I was almost 40 years old.
92. My husband likes short hair better than long hair. I go back and forth on this.
93. My hair color changes a lot. Right now it's dark.
94. One of my sisters' hair is so long, it falls in the toilet when she pees. I think that's gross.
95. One of my sisters' hair looks like something out of an 80's metal band. Big and frizzy and lots of product.
96. Ryan Adams is my favorite music artist.
97. I love People magazine and have a subscription. I'm obsessed with celebrity gossip. So is my best friend. We have to discuss all the news in detail.
98. My second favorite magazine is Vanity Fair. Love it too.
99. I've been called a bitch so many times, it doesn't even bother me anymore.
100. I'm happy with my life.

Postscript on being a bad Catholic

2006-07-22T18:10:00.000-07:00

Anyone who read my post about lying to the nice old lady at church, and the fact that I "forgot" to do a required confession when I was confirmed should know I got totally busted today. My husband and I do some classes on baptism and a lady who also instructs was talking about the sacraments. For non Catholics, these are the big things. Life changing things, ie baptism, communion, marriage, holy vows, reconcilliation (confession), confirmation, and annointing the sick. She was asking about experiences we had with confession, and I had to confess I'd never done it. Even my husband did it once. She was horrified and pointed out it was a requirement, and we'd have to do something about it. I told her no way, God already knows my bad stuff, and between us, he forgave me, so no way. She decided since I'd not commited any mortal sins, maybe I could slide. Anyway, if we still believed in purgatory, I'd be there for a few more years. Thank God Pope Pious decided we didn't have to go. That's why you just have to love the Catholic church. Something new every 5-6 centuries. Keeps you hopping!

Shining spot of good news

2006-07-19T15:09:00.000-07:00

Oh I forgot, even with my shitty vacation, something good came of it. My in-laws felt so badly that we didn't get squat, they are flying us home in about 3 weeks to visit and have dental work. I'm so excited I didn't even tell them I already got my teeth cleaned. They did a shitty job anyway, and their hygentist (sp?) is tons better. We'll stay for a few days and fly home in time for school to start, and since my husband needs a crown, they'll fly him back on his days off a couple of weeks later to put the permanent crown on. PLUS, they file our insurance for us and give us the money back! My husbands bad teeth are a money maker for us!

I could scream

2006-07-19T14:42:00.000-07:00

Again, for reasons of confidentiality, I can't go into huge details, but I got a new advocate case last week. I was able to spend some time with the kids today. These kids were removed from their mother for ample, legitimate reasons. Now it's 18 months later, and they've been in foster care the entire time. Not for one second has the state made any attempt to find a suitable family member for these children to live with. Despite the fact that a bazillion studies have shown that children need desperately to know their families and where they come from, the state has been too lazy to look into it. It's really easy when the foster families want to adopt to just let them sit there and not encourage the mother to learn to be a mother, or find a family member to raise them. I'm not about to say foster families shouldn't adopt, because I've recommended that very thing WHEN THE MOTHER IS OUT OF THE QUESTION AND THERE ARE NO OTHER SUITABLE FAMILY MEMBERS. This isn't just my opinion, it's the law. Yet these kids have had 18 months of pressure from a foster family telling them that they are the ones who love them and care about them. Now that an excellent family member has accepted that their niece is never going to be able to be a mother to these kids (until last month, the plan was for the children to stay in foster care until being reunited with the mother), they are having to fight the state, and being sabataged by the foster parents for trying to be a substitute parent to these kids. The foster parents have deliberately kept these kids in an infantile state, and when the mother was trying to do her services, the foster would call her all the time asking her to just bring the kids over any time and leave them as much as she wanted. They were enabling someone who needed encouragement and boundries, not a free ride. When she took it, they reported her to the state for negligence. The fact is, it was grossly inappropriate for the foster parents to even be having contact with the biological mother in the first place. She was negligent, and even she has admitted she is probably not going to be able to parent these kids, but for Gods sake, don't punish the relatives because they hoped the childrens' mother would pull her head out of her ass and be a mom! I know the fosters love the kids, but when they accepted the responsibility of being foster parents, they were told in training to not expect to ever keep these kids. The training stresses this over and over. Three kids from 2-4 and all are in diapers and not one is even pee trained. All are still drinking out of a bottle. This is a good relative placement, and if the state thinks I'm going to go along with this, they are in for a big shock.

This explains my fat ass

2006-07-16T06:22:00.000-07:00

When I decided I was going to be a nurse, I also decided the smoking had to go. It's pretty hard to reconcile the healthgiver part with the death wish part, so one of them had to say bye-bye. Now, I'm not saying it for sure happened this way, but there was an article in the paper today that said it has been discovered that rather than 5-10 lbs of weight gain, people who quit smoking actually gain more like 20 lbs. This is such a relief to me since I was afraid it was the shoving food down my face and not exercising that was causing it.

Hurts so good.

2006-07-12T08:28:00.000-07:00

Well, maybe the hurt isn't so good after all. I don't know what my middle aged ass was thinking. Back in the day, I was majoring in Fitness Management, and I was an obsessive exerciser. My job was actually teaching corporate fitness programs for private corporations through a national healthcare company and as a fitness instructor at a community college. Those days have been long over. I'll go a year or two being absolutely devoted, and then spend the next year doing next to nothing. This is one of my do nothing years. Since moving to the Hoosier state, though I do belong to an exercise studio for the fitness classes, PLUS live across the street from a fully furnished gym with everything you can think of, I've still let myself go. I sporatically use the treadmill or eliptical machine and I'll take a swipe at the weight machines, but that is about it. We're talking 4-5 times a month, not anything regular. You'd think the pain I was in while skiing at Christmas would have been a wake up call, but no. It wasn't and hasn't. Well yesterday, I decided enough is enough. I did a hip hop class and then a lower body thing with weights and squats. OMG!! OMG!! OMG!! Except for childbirth, I don't think I've ever been so sore in my life. I've been stretching all day, and can finally (painfully) get up and down, but something has to be done. I'm middle aged, not senior citizen, and it's ridiculous that I've let things go this far. In only two years since I went back to school, I've gained 20 pounds and a size up in clothes after wearing the same size for a bazillion years. We'll see what happens, but I'm really, really going to try.

The smallest and weakest

2006-07-08T06:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, here's my huge rant. Big one, huge one. I love animals. When I come home, and there are a bunch of kitty and doggy faces at the front door, I'm happy. If you don't tell the dogs, I'll confess I'm probably more a kitty than a dog person, but I really love MY dogs. I'm a little embarrased to admit I have six cats and two dogs (with my sons' dog here about half the time, sometimes it's three dogs). I never meant for this to happen, and for a long time, we were a one dog, one cat family. Then I started volunteering for an animal rescue group. At first, we lost a cat who was born with FELV, and adopted two since my husband and I liked both of the cats the same. Then I was involved in a direct rescue of an abused 4.5 week old kitten and for some reason, I couldn't give this one up. He was so dependant on me and only liked me, and I had to keep him. My husband was wary, but he was easy to talk into it. Then came the mom and her two kittens. I fostered them, but I'd fostered lots of others who are in really good homes now. No one would even look at these cats. I dragged them to adoption fairs for a year and no adoptions. Maybe it's because they hissed and spit and tried to scratch and bite everyone who looked at them. Yeah, that's probably it. Anyway, we found out we were moving, and I couldn't find another foster home to take them. It was kitten season, and everyone was full up, so we talked about it, sucked it up, and adopted them ourselves. So yeah, I'm the crazy cat lady, but I do know my limits and my limit was hit when my husband said one more and he's out of here. I don't think he really means it, but I'm also not the only one in this house, and his happiness matters too. Not to mention, he's gone way above and beyond and he really loves the animals too. I'm lucky that way. Now for the rant. This morning as hubs was going to work, he took the dogs out. I heard him yelling at one of the dogs and I came down and asked what happened. He said there was a sick cat in the driveway, and Yoda was going over there and smelling it so he had to yell at him. I went outside, and the cat was drinking out of our fountain which has a little bleach in it to repel algea. I got it some water and watched it. It was wobbling around and crying. It wasn't at all scared of me. I got it some food but it wouldn't eat. It had a big scabby place on it's side. It would drink, and drink, and drink but it couldn't lick the water off of it's face very well. I was SO upset and called the police. The dispatcher must like cats because she sounded as upset as I was and said she'd find someone to help me. I got a call from a police officer who was off duty, and he said the local shelter wouldn't accept any animals. Now I don't live in a tiny, small town. It's not huge, but there are 60,000 people here and the city has a contract for shelter service from the local Humane Society. I asked if I am just supposed to let it wobble around until it got to the busy highway and got hit by a car. Is that how they humanely treat animals in this city? Is that their euthanasia program? I told the policeman that this cat obviously at one time belonged to someone because it would let me pick it up and hold it, and that when it needed help, it found a person to help it, and I'd be damned if I was going to let this poor thing spend it's last moment in the middle of a highway being mowed down by a car. He was upset too, and finally said he'd come out and get it and figure something out. This guy went above and beyond too, and you can be sure that I will follow up and find out what happened to this cat, and woe to the shelter if they didn't take care of it. I will be like the hounds of hell if they refused to accept a sick animal and put it out of it's misery in a caring responsible manner.

Ticket to hell

2006-07-06T10:33:00.000-07:00

As my nephew would say, my ticket to hell has been signed, sealed, stamped, and shipped 2nd day air. Not bad enough for overnight, or worse, same day delivery, but bad enough all the same. I just lied to an ancient old woman with the Alter Society at church. When I said I'd do volunteer work, I said fine to the Alter Society. I thought I can certainly show up and fix the alter up for services. I guess that isn't what it is. I think what it is is the old ladies club at church. This sweet, sweet, sweet old lady called and said they meet once a month for a fun filled hour in church to recite the rosary followed by a bag lunch. Now, just pretend for a second that I don't have a clue how to recite the rosary. I know it's something about the stations of the cross, and the Our Father and Hail Mary (I think), but I've never done it. I was born Catholic. Been one all of my life. Not only have I never recited the rosary, at least in my current memory, but I've never done the confession thing (only now it's called reconciliation). I was supposed to the week before confirmation. It's kind of a requirement, but I "forgot". Even bad Catholics are supposed to do it around the Easter season, but nope, not going to happen. I'd have to do some really serious shit to go there. I've been assured (by my kid for one) that it's a really nice, touchy feely, sit face to face with the priest, and talk about anything that might be bothering you, and your love for Jesus (which I seriously buy into and believe), but nope, not for me. The old ladies still like the box, and every Saturday, they're lined up. Anyway, this is my confession and I don't have to feel so much guilt because I can confess without looking anyone in the face.

Pretty perfect

2006-07-01T20:49:00.000-07:00

If boring and pedestrian days are not too interesting, then leave now before you die of boredom, BUT it must be noted that today was pretty close to perfect and they don't happen all of the time, and should be noted. It's a lot more fun to bitch and rant (I could talk about the fit I threw in the financial aid office, but that was yesterday and it wasn't perfect). No cat bit me too early, so I was able to sleep in until 8:00!! The dogs willingly went out in the back yard, and I had a full hour to read papers and drink coffee before my husband got up. I love to curl up on the couch with a snuggly kitty and drink my coffee and read newspapers all by myself. The day was beautiful and warm and not humid, and we went out and let the dogs out to wander around the flowers with us while we worked in the garden. My husband wanted to play internet games, and I went to my sons' apartment and hung out with him for a while. We went to Panera Bread for pannini sandwiches (the roast chicken, my favorite), and talked and bought asiago cheese bread to bring home. I dropped him off at work and came home and Hub was already getting ready for church. We're those cheating Catholics who go on Saturday. In my defense, I'll go in the morning too with my son, but since Hub works on Sunday, we go to the Saturday afternoon mass. We then went to a little microbrewery for dinner. We tried out three new beers, and I ate a veggie burger and cottage cheese, and we split a piece of chocolate cake with truffle filling, and came home. Hubs is going back to work tomorrow, so he went to bed early. I then went outside and watched the fireworks they were shooting off at the fairgrounds. They were beautiful. Just about a perfect day, and I feel grateful for my life right now.

I've got to get a grip

2006-06-29T09:13:00.000-07:00

I know I've mentioned my volunteer work. I'm a child advocate through the CASA program. We are court appointed advocates representing the children who have been removed from their homes due to abuse or neglect. National laws now dictate that all children have an advocate. The problem is, there aren't nearly enough volunteer to do the job. Larger cities have board, and donations, and fund raisers, and full time volunteer recruiters. Here in small area USA, nada. We've begun in earnest trying to get volunteers by using the media to get word out of the need. Today, one of the local networks asked if I'd agree to an interview. I told them sure and asked when. They said in about 30 minutes and I about shit. It's 11:00 in the morning, and I have on the same dirty shorts from the day before and the t shirt I slept in, no makeup (like I ever put it on anymore), and obviously no shower and a filthy floor. My husband had to vacuum really quickly and I had to slap on some jeans and mascara and let it go like that. I am so gross and lazy. I've never in my life had to worry when someone came over. I've always made it a point to have at least a clean living room and guest bathroom. My kitchen is always clean, but now the rest is dirty. It's usually picked up, but I'll bet my husband had to empty the vacuum 2x. No one with as many animals living in their house as I do can go as long as I did without vacuuming. I've got to get a grip.

Our movie madness

2006-06-28T15:22:00.000-07:00

My poor husband. He, being a guy, has been hopping from one foot to the other waiting for Superman to open. Today is the day. When he came in this morning and said, "Woohoo, it's Superman day!", I reminded him that he'd promised me we could see The Break Up and until I saw that, no Superman. He poked his lip out, but we checked the times and saw we could see The Break Up at 1:40 and go next store and see Superman at 4:10. All was going well, and we sat through commercials (don't even get me started on how pissed I get about paying $8.00 to see a movie, and then have to sit through commercials), previews, and just when the movie was starting, the power went out and the smoke alarm started going. We were told to leave and after an hour of sitting out in a hot parking lot, we came home. You just have to laugh. Really, you do even though my husband is bitter as hell. He can calm down, we're going back tonight, but it was still funny.

SNAFU

2006-06-26T10:43:00.000-07:00

I got a copy of my detailed schedule for next semester, and I have no classes on Monday, on campus for 4 hours on Tuesday, Wednesday shows me for two 8 hour clinicals at the same time, no classes on Thursday, and a two hour pharmacology on Friday. What's wrong with this picture? Everyone else I know has something scheduled 5 days a week, and either M-W clinicals, or T-TR. I left a message with the department clerk that a mistake has been made, and would she fix it. I wonder how long this is going to take? I really need to take Spanish, but my heart just isn't in it. I could still get Spanish 1 over by the fall semster, but my will is gone. I know I can't graduate without a foreign language, and it's the only non nursing class I have left to take, but I just can't. I really can't. I'm going to do it online. I don't graduate until December of next year, so I have tons of time, and maybe when I'm back in the school mode, I'll be more motivated. Seriously. I'm also pissed that I haven't heard back about any of the scholarships I've applied for, and the financial aid office keeps saying they are going to convert to online apps instead of paper, and to keep checking back. It looks like I'm going to be in deeper debt with student loans again. I'm going into a field with critical shortages, and have a 3.9 GPA, and I still don't have any scholarships or grants. How retarded is that? Since I live in a small town, even though it has a large university, the hospitals here don't offer any scholarships for students who agree to work there for a time after graduation like all of the larger cities have. The Indiana Nursing Scholarship says you have to show financial need, and I'll never qualify. Anybody have any suggestions? Every low income person in school is getting everything paid, plus buying a car with the left over money, and I can't find anyone to help me pay for a damn book!

We're home

2006-06-23T06:27:00.000-07:00

Well, a week and a half early, we're home. Hub still has a drain sticking out of his side, and gross crap coming out of it, but he's stable. He really wanted to get out of the hospital and come home, and since the surgeon treating him in Little Rock was going out of town, he made arrangements for the surgeon here to continue to treat him. We left the hopital on Wednesday night and stayed at the same hotel as his parents, so he got to visit with them. We left yesterday morning and got here about 7:30 last night. It was a long drive, and we were both exhausted. He saw the surgeon this morning, and he's doing well. He should get the drain out next week. He's just basically on drugs and laying around. Good times.

Why Me?

2006-06-19T21:16:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in my nephews' apartment in Arkansas. This is how far we made it before my husband was hospitalized for an abcess in the muscle of his abdomen where he has an incision scar from the surgery. Before I go into the whole sad story, my nephew said I have to first share how cute his apartment is. Ok, that's done. The hub feels like crap. He hasn't had a temp lower than 101 for days. Today, he was taken in and a drain was put into one of the abcesses and the grossest crap is coming out of him. Really nasty. Tomorrow they lavage the area. The nurse said it was really unpleasant. Then within a couple of days, they should have a culture they can gram stain and find out a good anitbiotic. My hope is that he'll be out by Friday and hopefully we can go home on Monday. The vacation is over, and all I got to do is lose $400 at the casino in Tunica. We did eat at my favorite BBQ place in Memphis, and tour a couple of museums. We saw Graceland on a previous trip, and since we aren't Elvis fans, that was enough of that. The rest will have to go. I'm ready to go home. I'm exhausted, and he is just laying there on good drugs. Obviously I'm being smart. He feels crappy, and I don't think good drugs would be enough to trade places. The other down side is that my in-laws are coming, but what are you going to do. The worst part is, my FIL is my dentist, and now I won't get my free teeth cleaning. Oh well. I'm sleepy.

I'm on VACATION!!!!

2006-06-15T05:02:00.000-07:00

I'm officially on vacation. I mean, I wasn't doing anything anyway but sitting on my butt, but now I can officially lay around and it doesn't mean I'm lazy...it means I'm on VACATION!!! We are leaving in two hours and going to Tunica, Mississippi to gamble and hang in Memphis (one of my favorite cities). We've been to Graceland before, and it was fun, but we aren't Elvis fans so it's only something we did to say we've done it. My husband has never eaten ribs at the Rendevous or been to Beal Street so I'm excited to get to do that with him. Then to Arkansas to my family's lake house for a few days. Then to Oklahoma to visit in-laws and have dental work done (my FIL is our dentist and it's free). We'll get to hang with the neices too. Then to Texas to see our best friends and their kids. The girls are going to stay with us at the hotel, and we're going to water parks, Six Flags, and at least one baseball game before the Rangers start sucking like they always do. Then we'll turn around and back to OK for my husband to get a crown on his tooth, back to the lake for a day or two, and then home. No more casinos though. My son has moved in for the next 2.5 weeks to take care of the zoo for us, so we're free. I'll update when we're stopped to let you know how much fun we're having. I hope I'm not so excited that I have a let down. Nope...not going to happen.

What are the odds?

2006-06-12T19:05:00.000-07:00

Off the subject for a second. Okay, like the traumas I've suffered this week aren't enough, we went for a walk with the dogs and my husband and our ancient old wobbly dog and they walked right up to ANOTHER dead snake. A HUGE dead snake. What is it with this place? I'm trying to get ahead on my child advocate cases (anyone who is looking for a very, very worthwhile volunteer opportunity should see www.nationalcasa.org). I have done nothing for two days but go from bio parent to foster parent, to CPS offices, to treatment offices, and talking to social workers, and employment agencies trying to get services for these sad families. Out of the four families I'm working with now, I have 3 single mothers, two of whom are addicted to meth, one has a "device" or computer chip planted in her head and the voices are telling her what to do (not real hopeful about this one), and one couple consisting of a middle aged man with NO parental skills, and his early 20's grossly intellectually delayed (function about 8 yo) girlfriend. Can't really say much due to confidentiality issues, but I'm exhausted from trying to beg caseworkers for special services when they are so overworked, they can barely come up for air much less deal with going outside the norm. When you see a case to the end and a mother and children are reunited, or you've gotten to know a wonderful foster family who are desperate to parent these children and it becomes possible, it's the best feeling in the world. The funny thing is that I've never been that crazy about kids other than my own and two of my nephews, and the kids of our best friends. I really care about my other nieces and nephews, but am ok with only seeing them whenever. I've had no desire for more children, but I believe kids deserve to be kids. No kid should have to worry about eating, or whether mom is going to get up this morning to get them to school, or getting home fast, or skipping so you can take care of your sibs because mom got high again, and dad is in jail. Kids hardest decision should be what to get for their birthday, and it kills me that because some parents can't put their kids needs before their own, these kids have to live like they do. Someone has to be a voice for them, so that is why I do it. I'm really not very noble at all.

Can we talk about uniforms?

2006-06-08T20:56:00.000-07:00

Ok, just out of curiousity, what do others wear in their nursing programs? I thought everyone would like to know what the latest fashion coming out of small city Indiana is. Ok, get this picture in your head. Think those 50-60's doctor tunics you see in old pictures. You know the ones...fitted with the band in the back. That's what we wear, only hunter green. Then, a white lab coat that appears to match the 1962 tunic with the hunter green piping. The only thing good is that they are long enough to cover the white coated butt of the pants which of course are really awful. The only thing missing is the white cap of days gone by. The whole outfit is of course, a lovely polyester blend which feels really good next to your skin. Then the white socks or panty hose (?). I haven't worn panty hose in 10 years. Of course, we have to wear 100% white shoes, and if I see one more pair of those plastic Crocs, I'll throw up. I thought I was really smart to get into a proffesion that lets you wear comfortable clothing, and after years of working as a sales rep and having to look perfect and well dressed every day, I am all about the uniform. I just didn't realize that for a couple of years, the uniform would be so ugly.

comfort food

2006-06-06T10:27:00.000-07:00

I love Paula Dean from the Food Network. I'd never eat that Granny Clampet possum-backfat food she cooks because your life span would only be about twelve on that diet, but she is so comfortable to me. I was born in Texas, and raised in Arkansas, and her voice just soothes me. I sound just like her, only a tiny bit less drawl and a little more hick. Around here, it's everyone telling me, "You're not from here are you?,", but at home, I just fit right in. Anyway, that's off the subject. He're my excitement for the day. First, I took the dogs out this morning as usual. Coming back in the house, I saw something at the end of the drive and, being blind, went up to see what it was. It was a HUGE dead snake. Did I say it was huge? I'm terrified. Dead, alive, doesn't matter. I ran in the house and told my husband who said he'd handle. I don't know who he's kidding since he's as afraid as I am. He walked about halfway there, turned, came in the house, and told me to forget it. He offered to get in his truck and run over it again and again until it was pancaked, but then we'd just have a smashed mess that I know would still be a snake. To digress, one of the benefits we were offered to move here was a staff house. They have seven lovely, old, large homes for executive staff. It's very inexpensive to live in them, and are a nice perk. The problem is that the houses are right on a large river. A few months ago, my husband went into the basement to do laundry, and yelled, "Hell NO!!" He kept saying it over and over and when I went to find out what was up, he pointed to a snake in the basement. Because it was the weekend, there was no one in maintenance to come get it. I called a wildlife rescue person and paid him $50.00 to go downstairs and pick it up, take it far away, and then let it go. Even though my husband is home on sick time, and it was embarrassing to him, today I called the maintenance department and said, "This is Mrs. ***** in staff house whatever. You may not be the right person, but you don't have a road kill department, and there is a dead snake at the end of my drive, and I'm scared of it, so someone has to come over and get it and take it away." Bless his heart, he didn't even laugh very much and someone came in five minutes and it's gone. Woohoo!! Now, my second situation today is hair color. I have my hair colored and hi-lighted and would never dream of doing it myself, but I need color and don't need my hair cut. My husband said he's sick of the hi-lights and could I just have regular dark hair. Here's where things went wrong. I thought to myself, "Why should I pay someone to do this when all I want is one color and my sisters do their own with no problem." OMG, this is the messiest thing I've ever seen. Yes, my hair is colored and looks fine, but my bathroom will probably have to be repainted, and my deep freeze now has permanent dark brown swirls all over it (I mixed the stuff up in the kitchen and lost control). It looks so easy when the guy who does my hair mixes it up and he never slings it all over the place. This was a valuble life lesson.

pray for me

2006-06-04T06:56:00.000-07:00

Please pray for a miracle or blindness. I have to find a swimsuit today. We leave in about a week and a half on vacation, and I promised my nieces I would take them to the waterpark. I tried on the swimsuit I bought a couple of years ago, and my gut and butt was hanging out everywhere, so I don't think so. It was the ugliest, grossest thing I've ever seen. Please, please, please let this not be as horrible as I think it's going to be. I've arranged friendly mirrors in my home. The mirrors in the department stores are NOT friendly, but there is no way I'll order from the 'net. This is one thing that has to be tried on and nothing can be left to chance. This is going to be the worst trauma ever. I'd rather take all my finals again than do this.

I'm a sloth

2006-06-03T09:03:00.000-07:00

When I read the posts from Student Nurse Jack, or Betty, or Student Nurse Hell, or any of the thousands of others, I want to crawl in a hole and cover my head in shame, except I'm too lazy to do it. Everyone is taking summer classes, and reading, and studying, have spouses and children to deal with, and some are working a full time job to boot. I get up when one of the cats finally has had enough, jumps on the bed, and bites me. I put on the dirty shorts that are lying on the floor where I dumped them on my way to bed the night before. I come downstairs and feed the biting little ingrates, make coffee, pee, and let the dogs out in the back yard. Then it's a thrill filled morning of two newpapers, The Today Show, ER reruns, and let the dogs back in. I then take a bath. Showers are for people with something productive to do. I live in an old house with a big old cast iron bath, and I soak in it for about 30-45 minutes. Now it's noon, and I put on clean shorts and Tshirt (I'm pretty much done with bras for the summer). I'll then go outside with a book. I do weed and deadhead the flower garden and turn the soaker hoses on, and then I lay out for the next couple of hours and read. If the weather is bad (50/50 chance), I'll lay on the couch and read. This is popular fiction, not anything I might actually learn something. On Friday, my People magazine will be in the mailbox, so I do deviate on Friday. Through the day, I might vacuum, and I'll always clean the kitchen up (my pet peeve...dirty kitchens and dirty dishes). Then at 4:00, it's Oprah followed by Dr. Phil. Then it's HGTV for all of the home shows. I'll make dinner about 7:00 and I do usually cook. After the kitchen is clean, then I lay like a big slug on the couch or on the computer until bedtime. Those are my days. In the past week, I've had to do laundry since my husband can't, but he's better now, and that's his job. I hate doing laundry. The only thing I've had to do this week is to go to court for a child advocate case. I am the special advocate for kids who've been removed from their homes due to abuse or neglect, and are placed in foster care. I do spend a few hours a week at visitations for this, but it's just a few hours. So was I ready in court with my report for the judge even though I've had nothing else to do? No, luckily my supv called and mentioned it, and I threw on a skirt an sandels and put on some mascara and brushed my hair and flew out the door. I acted shocked that I didn't have my report with me SINCE I DIDN'T DO IT!!! It didn't matter since this was a routine hearing, but I'm starting a new leaf. No more of this. Ok, maybe not today. It's the weekend, but Monday for sure.

They didn't get what they deserved

2006-05-25T16:46:00.000-07:00

No school or sun or sick talk today. I just read those lying, cheating, sacks of shit from Enron were found guilty (no kidding). Rather than a prison term, I'd prefer that they have to spend the rest of their lives living on the $1500.00 per month from social security that the retirees of Enron will get for the rest of their lives. This is a life sentence. They would never be allowed to earn more than that no matter what, and cannot be subsidized by anyone. They just have to live off of the social security check. Sure, they get medicare, but they'll make JUST enough to not be able to qualify for any assistance. They can't have a paid off house or car. If they want those things, they'll have to figure it out how to pay for them like everyone else who found themselves out of work and money because they were forced to buy Enron stock for their retirement fund while those two pieces of shit sold it as fast as they could so they wouldn't get stuck with it. I want them to know what it's like to have to decide whether to eat, or pay for medicine. I want them to know what it's like to not have the money to pay a vet if your dog is sick. I want them to know what it's like to be one check away from the street. And if they get sick, to have to live in a medicare paid nursing home because that's the only option. Prison takes away the choices poor have to make. Now they can just feel sorry for themselves and think they got railroaded. They make me sick.

What a week

2006-05-23T19:02:00.000-07:00

Boy, what a week. I'm sailing along, scratching my sun itch (yes, I still tanned...what are you going to do? Besides, the Benedryl helped me sleep really, really well!) and my husband started complaining about a stomach ache. By the second day, it had localized in his right flank, so I think gallbladder or kidney stone. He pulls a John Wayne on me and won't go to the doctor or ER. When he gasped moving on the 4th day, I yanked him by the ear to the doctor. Within 24 hours, he's in surgery with the biggest abcess from diverticulitis EVER. The surgeon was shocked because it was in his cecum and not the sigmoid. She said in 20 years, she's only seen a perforated cecum 3 times, and never from diverticulitis. He ended up losing part of his large and small bowel. Two days later, after a fever of 103 and heartbeat of 170, everyone goes paranoid that the anastomosis is leaking and they take him to surgery again. All was well, and we came home today, 8 days after this started. Well, being the selfish bitch I am, all I'm worrying about is whether this is gonna blow the vacation we've got scheduled in a month, but not to worry. Doctor said no restrictions and enjoy the trip. Woohoo!!!

Irony

2006-05-08T19:55:00.000-07:00

Now is this fair? I mean, please...I just exist in the winter. I'm a summer, sun type girl. This is my absolute favorite time of the year. The perfect day is when the sun is shining, the temperature is in the 70s, and the wind is blowing just a bit. I can sit outside for hours when it's like that just synthesizing Vitamin D like crazy! Ok, here's the scene. School is over and this is my last break until nursing school starts until August. I made a 4 point, so I'm basking in my smartness glow (we'll see how long that lasts). I've got so much spare brain right now, that I went to the bookstore and bought 7 new books to read. No TV, just books. I've got my outdoor spot set up for a great afternoon, and IS IT EVER! So beautiful I spent hours Saturday on the patio and read. Now I'm covered in a miserable itchy rash all over my legs. The doctor said it's photo sensitivity to the UV rays and I either have to avoid all sun, or suck it up, and keep exposing myself and dealing with this misery, and my skin will toughen up and will stop breaking out (this summer only, it's starts over again next year). I'm on cortizone and benadryl so I dig myself up. I don't smoke, I don't take drugs, and I can count the number of drinks I have a year on one hand. I have one self destructive habit (okay, food too, but what are you going to do). I love to lay out in the sun, and now my body has turned on me. I don't even let it get on my face so that I'm not leather head. I'm bitter.

Can I do this?

2006-05-04T10:57:00.000-07:00

Though I should be on top of the world, I'm kind of nervous. I took my last final in Advanced Human Physiology yesterday. I've made an A in all of my classes. So I should be jumping for joy, right? A 4.0 GPA for the semester is awesome. What is making me nervous is that the nursing students in the year ahead of me had four students flunk out just this semester. Since there are only 20 students in the class, that is a huge number of people. These are students who had to compete just as hard as I did, and made really good grades on their prereqs. I know if I were a patient, I would only want the nurse who really had an excellent grasp of the job, and that starts in nursing school, but I'm worried I won't be able to keep up. School has always been pretty easy for me, and I haven't had to work too hard, so do I hope and pray I have the dicipline and study skills to be able to do a really good job. I've wanted to be a nurse forever, and we spent four years getting our financial affairs in order so that we could live on one income in order for me to be able to attend school full time, not to mention I'll never be able to recoup an Outside Sales Rep salary on what I'll earn as a nurse, so I've just can't allow myself to consider not doing the best that I can.

Two down, one to go

2006-05-02T18:05:00.000-07:00

Got my final done in Med Terms, and made 100%. That gave me a 98% in the class, so no prob. With the A I already have in Med Law, the worst my gpa can be this semester is 3.75. If I don't show up for the advanced physiology final, I'll have a B in the class, so I'm sailing now. The day was beautiful which helped my attitude a lot too. I order all of uniforms today. OK, they could not be worse. I take that back. At least the tunics are long enough to sort of cover my big butt in the white pants I'm going to have to wear. That's just wrong. Seriously. I refuse to even try any on until I've lost at least 15 pounds. Who cares? 10 weeks of no books, flash cards, studying, or notes.

The never ending winter

2006-05-01T06:50:00.000-07:00

I've never lived outside the south until now. When I got here late last summer, this place was scorching hot, and so humid it would suck the life out of me when I went outside. The locals would smirk and say to wait, that it isn't always like that. No shit. It's freaking cold every day. I'm sitting here on the 1st day of May and it's like 45 degrees outside and the heat is on. In Texas, I would have had the air on since February. Maybe earlier depending on hot flashes. I'd welcome a hot flash right now. My blood is too thin for this. Plus, it rains like it's Portland or Seattle or something. Drizzling all of the time. I've got finals this week, and it sucks outside. If I don't do well because I'm too unmotivated by my Seasonal Disorder shit, I'm going to hate this place worse than I do. The final today is so easy, it won't matter anyway. My last lecture in Physiology is today. It's on reproduction. Since I've actually reproduced , I figure I've got an edge on that. My last class will be on Wednesday. Proof there is a God.